How to Balance Responsibility for Your Eldest Child 

Parenting Perspective 

Allow Them to Be Children First 

It is very natural for parents to lean on their eldest child when younger siblings need care. Eldest children are often capable and dependable, but if the expectation becomes too heavy, they may feel burdened or resentful, as though their childhood is being replaced by responsibility. The key is to balance appreciation for their help with clear boundaries that allow them to remain children first. 

Define Appropriate Tasks 

Start by defining what tasks are appropriate for her. Asking her to fetch a nappy, keep a sibling entertained for a few minutes, or remind them of rules is reasonable. However, expecting her to discipline, carry the full responsibility of care, or constantly sacrifice her own time crosses into the role of a parent. Make sure she understands that her role is to assist, not to carry your duties. 

Show Appreciation, Not Expectation 

Show her appreciation when she does help but also reassure her that she is not obligated to always say yes. Encourage her to spend time on her own hobbies, friends, and relaxation. This helps her see that your requests are support, not expectation without limit. 

Speak With Them Directly 

It is also wise to speak with her directly. You can say, ‘I am grateful when you help me, but I want you to know you are not responsible for your siblings the way I am. You are still a child, and your time matters too.’ This explicit reassurance can ease the pressure she may feel but has not voiced. 

Valued as the Eldest, Not Deprived of Childhood 

By being intentional about limits and offering acknowledgement, you create an environment where she feels valued as the eldest without being deprived of her right to a joyful and balanced childhood. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Duty of Care Rests on the Parents 

Islam encourages siblings to support one another, but the responsibility of care and discipline rests firmly on the parents.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah At-Tahrim (66), Verse 6: 

‘O you who are believers, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire (of Jahannam) whose fuel is people and stones; over which (are appointed) Angels that are uncompromising and meticulous (in executing the punishment); (who) do not disobey what Allah (Almighty) has commanded them, and only do that which they are decreed.’  

This Verse reminds us that the duty of guiding and protecting children is placed on the parents, not on other children. While older siblings may help in kindness, the ultimate accountability remains with the mother and father. 

Parents Are the Shepherds of Their Children 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawud, Book 20, Hadith 1, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd over his people and is responsible for them. A man is a shepherd over the people of his house and is responsible for them. A woman is a shepherd over the house of her husband and children and is responsible for them.’  

This Hadith makes clear that parents are the shepherds of their children. Eldest siblings can be guided to help, but they should never feel that the full duty of shepherding has been transferred to them. 

By allowing your eldest to help in light, age-appropriate ways while ensuring she has time to enjoy her own childhood, you fulfil justice and mercy. In this way, she learns responsibility as a blessing, not as a burden, and your home remains a place where each child feels secure in their rightful role.