How do we prepare for visits where adults use harsh labels casually? 

Parenting Perspective 

Some adults casually use labels like ‘lazy’, ‘dramatic’, or ‘spoilt’ without considering their impact. However, children can internalise these words, affecting their sense of self. Proper preparation can transform a potentially difficult visit into a valuable learning opportunity. Your goal is to protect your child’s dignity and give them choices, all while maintaining a calm atmosphere. 

Prepare Your Child Before You Arrive 

Have a brief discussion in the car or just before you go inside: ‘Some people use unhelpful labels when they feel frustrated, but that is not how our family speaks. If it happens, we will use our calm words or take a short break. You do not have to accept a label from anyone.’ Keep your tone of voice gentle and matter-of-fact to ensure the plan feels like a normal precaution, not a source of drama. 

Equip Your Child with a Simple Script 

Coach your child on a few short lines they can use if they feel comfortable doing so. 

• ‘Please use my name instead of a label.’ 

• ‘That does not feel kind. Please use different words.’ 

• ‘I am happy to talk, but not if there is name-calling.’ 

Practising these phrases once or twice can help your child feel more confident using them if needed. 

Establish a Signal and an Exit Strategy 

Agree on a discreet signal, such as touching your watch or ear, that your child can use to mean, ‘I need your help.’ Also, agree on a simple exit phrase you can use if the tone does not improve, such as, ‘We are going to get some fresh air for five minutes.’ Having a way out can prevent a child from feeling trapped, which can lead to them freezing or having an outburst. 

Set Clear Boundaries in the Moment 

Keep your own verbal boundaries brief and repeatable so they are understood without starting an argument. 

Relative: ‘You are so spoilt.’ 

Parent: ‘We avoid using labels. If you have a concern, please let me know privately.’ 

Relative: ‘Relax, it was just a joke.’ 

Parent: ‘I understand, but we still avoid labels. Now, tell us about that science project you mentioned.’ 

Afterwards, you can say to your child softly, ‘You are not a label. You are learning and growing, and I am here for you.’ 

Model How to Reframe Labels as Behaviours 

Show everyone in the room how to swap a judgemental label for a neutral description of behaviour. This is a powerful way to teach respectful communication. 

• Instead of ‘He is lazy,’ you could say, ‘He seems tired after school. He might need a task broken down into two smaller steps.’ 

• Instead of ‘She is being dramatic,’ you could say, ‘She felt overwhelmed in that moment. We are helping her learn to ask for space when she needs it.’ 

Provide Reassurance and Aftercare 

Later on, focus on emotional connection first, then reflect on what happened. Sit with your child and say something like, ‘A label was used earlier, and I set a boundary. You are safe with me.’ You can then ask what helped, what felt difficult, and what you could both try next time. Reaffirm their identity: ‘You are a thoughtful and brave person. One comment cannot define who you are.’ 

Follow Up Privately with the Adult 

When you are alone with the other adult, be specific and brief: ‘Please avoid using words like ‘lazy’ or ‘spoilt’ with my child. In our family, we focus on behaviour and solutions.’ If the behaviour continues, you may need to reduce exposure or meet on neutral ground for shorter periods. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings guide believers to avoid speech that is harmful, empty, or dismissive of another person’s dignity. This applies directly to the use of negative labels, which reduce a person’s complex identity to a single, negative trait. 

Turning Away from Harmful Speech 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Mu’minoon (23), Verses 1–3: 

‘Indeed, success is for the believers; those people who are focused in their prayers with true humility. And those people that abstain from frivolous gossip.’ 

This verse reminds us that a key quality of a believer is the ability to withdraw from speech that erodes dignity. Teaching your child to say, ‘Please use my name, not a label,’ is a practical way for them to ‘turn away’ from harm without showing contempt. It is not a withdrawal from family, but a withdrawal from harmful communication, in obedience to Allah Almighty. 

The Character of a Believer’s Speech 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1977, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The believer is not a slanderer, nor one who curses, nor indecent, nor foul.’ 

This hadith teaches that a person’s true character is revealed through their words. Labels that wound or diminish a person violate this prophetic standard. When you calmly reframe ‘lazy’ as ‘tired and needing help,’ you are modelling Sunnah-aligned speech that describes a reality without attacking an identity. Your brief boundary, your quick shift to a solution, and your gentle repair afterwards all train your child to keep their own tongue clean and their heart compassionate.