How do we handle grandparents undoing the plan with treats or exceptions? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be profoundly frustrating when grandparents lovingly, but repeatedly, undermine carefully established routines. This might involve offering excessive treats, bending the bedtime rule, or overlooking standards of conduct that parents have worked hard to maintain. Their actions stem from affection, not deliberate rebellion, yet the outcome can leave parents feeling unsupported and children feeling confused. A parent is often torn between honouring their elders and protecting their child’s sense of stability. The solution lies not in attempting to exert control, but in fostering a calm collaboration rooted in empathy, clear boundaries, and mutual respect.

Understanding the Emotional Roots of Indulgence 

Most grandparents act primarily from a place of deep love and nostalgia. They witness the bright moment of joy when the child receives an unexpected treat and feel that they are actively contributing to the child’s happiness. Some may also be subtly compensating for missed moments from their own busy parenting years, perhaps softening discipline with indulgence now. Recognising this underlying emotional motivation allows parents to respond with compassion rather than irritation. It is not defiance; it is simply love expressed in a different manner. 

Balancing Respect with Necessary Boundaries 

When you speak to the grandparents, ensure the tone is appreciative yet absolutely clear. Begin with a genuine acknowledgement of their intentions: “Mum, I know you love spoiling them, and they adore you for it. We simply require a bit more consistency to help them settle into their routines better.” 

Frame the conversation around shared goals instead of criticism. Rather than stating, “You are ruining their routine,” phrase it as, “We are attempting to help them build healthy habits. Could we perhaps make a few small adjustments to the plan together?” This approach respects their dignity as elders while simultaneously safeguarding your necessary parental authority. 

Making Them Allies, Not Adversaries 

Invite the grandparents into the parenting strategy instead of making them feel excluded from it. For instance: “We are limiting sweets during the week, but perhaps you could make Friday our designated ‘special treat day’ with them.” By assigning them a clear, valuable role within the existing structure, you validate their importance and channel their love productively. 

Children benefit immensely when they observe that love flowing from different generations does not equate to conflict. Instead, they learn that family harmony thrives through cooperation and kindness. 

When Boundaries Are Tested 

If grandparents disregard the agreed boundaries, parents must avoid public confrontation. Address the issue privately and calmly at a later time. Reaffirm that you trust their intentions but explain that consistency is necessary for the child’s emotional and physical well-being. You might say, “I know it is extremely hard to say no when they ask sweetly, but when we hold the line together, it genuinely helps them respect you even more.” 

In the meantime, the parent must remain consistent in their own home. If your child breaks a rule after visiting their grandparents, apply your home rules gently but with firmness: “I know Grandma gave you extra sweets, but at home, we are having fruit for dessert tonight.” The objective is not to invalidate the grandparent’s gesture but to reinforce the idea that different homes have different rhythms, and both can coexist peacefully. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam profoundly honours the sacred bond between the generations. Grandparents occupy an immensely valued position within the family structure, yet Islam also stresses that parents carry the trust (Amanah) of morally and emotionally guiding their children. Balancing due respect for elders with the primary responsibility for one’s own family is a fundamental form of Ihsan (excellence) achieved through balance. 

Kindness with Clarity in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 23: 

‘And your Sustainer has decreed that you do not worship anyone except Him Alone; And (treat) parents favourably…’ 

This powerful verse reminds us that showing respect for parents and elders is, in itself, an act of worship. However, kindness does not mandate silence when guidance is necessary. Islam encourages gentle honesty advising with warmth, never arrogance. When you speak respectfully yet stand firm regarding your child’s needs, you are practising Birr Al Walidayn (righteousness toward parents) while simultaneously fulfilling your divine duty to your child. 

Accountability in Nurture in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1705, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A man is a shepherd of his family, and he will be questioned about his flock.’ 

This Hadith teaches that every parent has a divine accountability for their household and its members. While the affection shown by grandparents is undoubtedly a blessing, the moral and emotional direction of the child remains the parent’s primary trust before Allah Almighty. Upholding structure, even when done gently, honours that specific trust. By remaining respectful yet steady, you effectively protect both family unity and your sacred responsibility as a parent. 

Parenting alongside grandparents requires an abundance of both patience and wisdom. It is natural to feel defensive, but when a parent responds with empathy combined with necessary firmness, they establish a tone of grace. The child then witnesses how love between the generations can differ in its outward style but remain united in its overarching purpose. 

Over time, grandparents usually align their actions when they clearly see that the parent’s intentions are not about control but about consistent, loving care. They will recognise that your guidance ensures their grandchild grows up with stability and faith. The child, in turn, learns that love is not simply indulgence it is protection, structure, and sincerity. 

In a family guided by Islamic values, respect flows upward while responsibility flows downward. Grandparents offer unconditional warmth, parents provide crucial direction, and the child receives both mercy and structure, heart and boundary. In that sacred balance, the generations connect through a love that successfully honours both affection and accountability before Allah Almighty.