How do I use a pause without the child feeling ignored? 

Parenting Perspective 

Taking a brief pause when you feel your frustration rising is a wise parenting strategy, but it can be misinterpreted by a child as rejection or being ignored. If you suddenly fall silent, they may feel unheard or abandoned. The key is to use the pause as a communicative tool, so your child understands you are still present, just steadying yourself before you respond. 

Communicate the Pause 

Instead of just going silent, which can be confusing for a child, it is important to briefly and simply communicate your intention. This frames the pause as a thoughtful action, not a withdrawal of love. 

• You could say, ‘I need just a moment to think before I answer you properly.’ 

• Or, ‘I am going to take one deep breath so I can stay calm while we talk.’ 

This teaches your child that pauses are a sign of self-control. 

Maintain a Gentle Presence 

During your brief pause, your body language should communicate that you are still connected to your child. This non-verbal connection reassures them that you have not abandoned them emotionally. 

• You can maintain soft eye contact. 

• Kneel down to their level or place a gentle hand on their shoulder. 

These small gestures show that you are still present and engaged, even while you are silent. 

Model the Pause as a Healthy Tool 

Frame your pause as a skill that everyone can use to manage their emotions. This transforms it from something you are doing to them into a tool you are modelling for them. 

• You could say, ‘When I pause, it helps my mind calm down. It is a really helpful tool you can try too, next time you feel upset.’ 

• This teaches them that silence can be a source of healing and positive self-regulation. 

Re-engage with Warmth and Clarity 

After your pause, it is important to re-engage with your child in a way that is both warm and clear, showing them that the moment of tension has passed. 

• Begin with, ‘Thank you for waiting. I am calmer now.’ 

• Then, you can address the situation with a renewed sense of purpose: ‘Okay, here is how I think we can solve this problem together.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

The act of pausing before reacting is deeply aligned with the Islamic teachings on self-control and choosing one’s words carefully. Far from being an act of neglect, it is a sign of wisdom and restraint. 

Responding with Peace and Dignity 

The Quran describes the servants of the Most Merciful as those who respond to difficult situations with peace and dignity, not with impulsive reactions. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

Taking a pause is a practical way to ensure our response is one of peace, reflecting the character of a true believer. 

The Adornment of Gentleness 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that gentleness beautifies every situation it is in, while its absence makes a situation defective. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Gentleness is not in anything except that it adorns it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it defective.’ 

A pause, when explained with warmth and followed by a gentle response, is a way of intentionally bringing this beautiful, adorning quality of gentleness into our parenting.