How do I tell if rituals around bedtime are self-soothing or spiralling? 

Parenting Perspective 

Bedtime routines are fundamentally designed to signal safety, comfort, and a smooth transition towards rest. However, when these routines stretch endlessly or involve repeated, escalating requests for attention, they risk shifting from healthy self-soothing into a difficult spiralling pattern. Parents can effectively differentiate the two by carefully observing the child’s emotional state and the precise pattern of the ritual. 

• Self-soothing behaviours are typically calm, predictable, and consistently reduce energy levels. Examples include quietly reading a book, gently humming, or cuddling a favourite soft toy. 

• Spiralling behaviours often involve repetitive demands, obvious stalling tactics (e.g., repeated requests for water or one more hug), or escalating distress, which can quickly turn bedtime into a battleground, leaving both the child and the parent exhausted. 

Observing Patterns and Responses 

A simple diagnostic process can help identify the root of the behaviour. 

• Check Emotional Cues: A child who is calm, quietly engaged, or slowly winding down is self-soothing. Clear signs of frustration, repeated “just one more” requests, or constantly climbing out of bed suggest spiralling. 

• Track Timing: Note whether bedtime rituals consistently extend significantly beyond expected limits, which creates stress rather than comfort for the family. 

• Set Gentle Limits: Establish a short, predictable sequence such as a wash, a brief story, and a final connection and state clearly, “After this, it is time to sleep.” 

• Reinforce Independence: Encourage small, independent self-soothing steps, such as teaching them how to use a nightlight or a bedtime audio story, thereby gradually reducing the need for direct parental intervention. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam recognises the profound importance of nurturing patience and calmness within family routines, alongside actively modelling structure and compassionate care for one’s children. 

Submissiveness and Calmness 

The Quran describes successful believers as those who achieve humility and peacefulness even during their most rigorous acts of worship, a state of mind that benefits routines like winding down for sleep. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Mu’minoon (23), Verses 1–2: 

‘Indeed, success is for the believers; those people who are focused in their prayers with true humility.’ 

The Prophetic Model of Ease 

The guidance of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encourages making all matters easy and reassuring for people, a principle that applies directly to maintaining a relaxed and positive atmosphere at bedtime. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6125, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Make things easy for the people and do not make them difficult, and give glad tidings and do not repel them.’ 

Applying this critical principle, parents can guide the bedtime process in a way that is profoundly comforting rather than coercive. Gentle structure, consistent limits, and sincere reassurance allow children to successfully develop healthy self-soothing habits while maintaining calm, building trust, and securing a safe sense of closure at the end of the day.