How do I teach that reasons explain behaviour but do not erase impact? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often try to justify their actions with reasons like, ‘I was only tired,’ ‘He annoyed me first,’ or, ‘I did not mean to do it.’ While these explanations can give you an insight into why they behaved in a certain way, they can also be used as excuses to avoid taking responsibility. The challenge for parents is to acknowledge their child’s feelings while also making it clear that their reasons do not erase the impact of what happened. Teaching this balance helps children to grow into thoughtful, accountable individuals who can empathise with others and repair any harm they have caused. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings First 

A child needs to know that their feelings are valid, even if their resulting actions were wrong. You could say: ‘I understand you were feeling tired, and I know that makes it much harder to stay calm.’ This shows them that you care about their inner world, which in turn builds trust and openness. 

Clarify That the Impact Still Matters 

Once you have acknowledged their feelings, you can gently explain the difference between an explanation and an excuse. For example: ‘Even though you were feeling tired, your words still hurt your brother’s feelings. Your reasons help me to understand, but they do not make the hurt go away.’ 

Teach Them to Repair the Harm 

Encourage your child to take responsibility for fixing the impact of their actions. This makes the concept of accountability feel practical, not abstract. 

• If they have snapped at a sibling, they should apologise and show kindness. 

• If they have broken something through carelessness, they should help to clean or replace it. 

• If they missed their work because they were distracted, they should catch up with their own effort. 

Provide a Clear Framework for Responding 

You can teach them a simple two-step process for when they make a mistake. 

1. Explain the reason honestly (e.g., ‘I was feeling frustrated’). 

2. Repair the impact (e.g., ‘I am sorry for shouting; let me help make it right’). 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘I only hit him because he was annoying me!’ 

Parent: ‘Thank you for telling me that you felt annoyed; that helps me to understand. But hitting him still caused hurt. Can you think of a better way to handle that feeling next time?’ 

Child: ‘…I suppose I could just walk away.’ 

Parent: ‘That is a good idea. Now, please say you are sorry, because even if you had a reason, the hurt is still there.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam acknowledges our human struggles and the reasons for our mistakes, yet it always emphasises the importance of taking responsibility and making amends. Teaching children this balance helps to connect their daily behaviour to their faith and their moral development. 

Owning Our Actions Before Allah 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zalzalah (99), Verses 7-8: 

‘Thus, everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is good shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment). And everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is wicked shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment).’ 

This verse reminds a child that every action matters, no matter how small. You can explain it to them by saying: ‘Allah sees the reason that was in your heart, but He also sees the impact of what you did. In His eyes, both are important.’ 

Repentance Involves Admitting and Repairing 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4251, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every son of Adam commits sin, and the best of those who commit sin are those who repent.’ 

This hadith can be shared simply with a child: ‘Everyone makes mistakes, and Allah understands the reasons why. But what makes a person the best in His sight is that they admit their mistake, say they are sorry, and try their best to do better.’ 

By linking accountability to the concepts of forgiveness and growth, you help your child to see that reasons are not excuses. Their feelings matter, but so do the effects of their actions on others. This builds a strong sense of empathy, fairness, and honesty, all of which are qualities that are beloved to Allah and that strengthen their relationships with other people.