How do I teach that marriage is not a competition for attention? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often notice the time and affection that their parents give to one another, and they can sometimes feel as though they are competing for that same attention. If this is not addressed, it can lead to feelings of jealousy and insecurity, or even to a child trying to interrupt moments of closeness between their parents. Teaching them that love within a family is not limited or competitive is key to helping them feel secure and included. 

Affirm Their Place in the Family 

Regularly remind your child that your love for them is independent and unconditional. A simple phrase like, ‘Our love for each other does not take away from our love for you’ can be very reassuring. 

Involve Them in Moments of Togetherness 

Occasionally, you can let your children join in family hugs or other shared activities so that they feel they are part of the circle of love, not outside of it. This helps them to see the marital bond as a source of warmth for the whole family. 

Model a Balanced Approach 

Show your child that you make dedicated time for your connection as a couple, as well as for your one-on-one bond with them. This consistency prevents feelings of neglect and teaches them about the different relationships within a family. 

Use Simple Analogies 

You can explain the concept of abundant love with a simple analogy. Just as your love for one of their siblings does not reduce your love for them, the love between parents does not reduce the love available for the children. 

Show Affection Openly but Kindly 

Appropriate gestures of kindness and affection between spouses can reassure a child that the parental bond is stable and secure, which in turn makes them feel safe. When children see that their parents’ love is not a scarce resource, they stop seeing it as something they need to compete for. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that the mercy and affection between a husband and wife is a sign of Allah’s blessing, and that this love should be a source of nurturing for everyone in the home. Showing respect and kindness to one’s spouse is not an act of neglecting the children, but is a way of modelling the mercy that Islam commands in all of our relationships. 

A Quranic Reminder on Marital Mercy 

The Quran teaches that marriage is a divine institution designed to bring peace, affection, and mercy into the lives of believers. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Rome (30), Verse 21: 

‘ And amongst His Signs (of the infinite truth) are that He (Allah Almighty) created for you, your (matrimonial) partners from your species so that you may find tranquillity from them; and designed between you love, tolerance and kindness; indeed, in this there are Signs (of the infinite truth) for the nations that have realisation.‘ 

This reminds us that affection in a marriage is divinely placed and is meant to bring peace, not rivalry, into the household. 

The Prophetic Teaching on Spousal Kindness 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that the true measure of a believer’s faith is their character, and that the best of people are those who are best to their spouses. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most perfect of the believers in faith is the one whose character is the finest, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ 

This shows that spousal kindness is a measure of faith and nurtures a loving home that benefits the children as well. 

By consistently showing your child that your marriage is rooted in mercy and that parental love only multiplies affection, you can instil in them a deep sense of security. They will learn that a healthy marriage strengthens the family, rather than creating a competition for attention.