How do I talk about power and bystanders so my child stops performing for laughs? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be delightful when a child performs for laughs, but this charm can quickly turn troubling when the humour comes at another’s expense. This behaviour often stems from a desire to belong or to feel significant within a group. Children quickly learn that laughter brings attention, and attention can feel like a form of power. Your task as a parent is not to shame this desire, but to redirect it toward empathy, awareness, and moral strength. 

Understanding the Drive for Attention 

Begin by helping your child to recognise the emotional need that is driving their behaviour. You might gently ask, ‘It seems you enjoy it when others laugh at your jokes. What is it that you like about that?’ Such questions invite reflection instead of defensiveness. When a child feels understood, they are more open to change. You can then help them to see that while laughter is a good thing, it must never come at the cost of another person’s comfort. 

You can explain that humour is powerful because it shapes how other people feel. If it lifts others up, it is a gift; if it humiliates them, it is a misuse of influence. Children need this moral framework from an early age in order to build a social intelligence that is grounded in kindness. 

Explaining Power and Influence 

Describe the concept of power as the ability to affect other people’s feelings. You could say, ‘Power means that your words and actions can make others feel either happy or hurt. When you use your humour to make people feel included, that is using your power well. When you make someone feel small, you are misusing it.’ 

Using real-world examples, such as characters from books or films, can help to illustrate this. You can ask, ‘Who do you think showed real strength in that situation?’ These moments help children to internalise positive values rather than simply memorising rules. 

The Role of the Bystander 

Children often overlook the audience when they are performing. Explain to them that the laughter of others can either stop or fuel hurtful behaviour. You could say, ‘When people laugh while someone is being teased, it tells that person that they are alone. When someone speaks up or even just stays silent, it can change everything.’ Encouraging your child to notice these patterns in their own social circles will help them to understand that both silence and laughter carry power. 

Guiding Towards Positive Humour 

Children who perform for laughs are often craving recognition. You can help them to find this by replacing negative attention-seeking with positive validation. This can be done by: 

• Encouraging creative humour, such as jokes and stories that make everyone laugh in a kind way. 

• Giving them leadership opportunities where they can use their energy to help others. 

• Offering specific praise, such as, ‘I liked how your joke made everyone smile without hurting anyone.’ 

This kind of reinforcement shows them that respect can coexist with popularity. 

Addressing the ‘Just a Joke’ Defence 

It is common for children to try to defend hurtful humour. Instead of confronting them directly, you can invite reflection by asking, ‘Did everyone laugh, or did someone look uncomfortable?’ or, ‘Would it have felt funny if the joke was about you?’ This helps them to build empathy naturally. 

You can also model accountability in your own life. If you ever laugh at something that is unkind, you can acknowledge it aloud by saying, ‘It was not fair of me to laugh at that.’ This subtle example can teach more than a direct correction ever could. 

Spiritual Insight 

Every parent hopes that their child’s laughter will be a reflection of light, not of pride. In Islam, our speech is a trust, and laughter is meant to unite people, not to divide them. From an Islamic perspective, power is a test of how gently a person chooses to use it. 

Speech That Upholds Dignity in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…and do not insult each other; and do not call each other by (offensive) nicknames…’ 

This verse reminds us that our words, even those spoken in jest, carry a significant weight. When children understand that laughter should protect hearts, not wound them, they are learning the essence of adab, or refined character. By guiding them to choose words that uplift, parents can nurture both humility and compassion. 

Mercy and Respect in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 1574, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is enough evil for a man to hold his Muslim brother in contempt.’ 

This teaches us that any act of mockery or belittling, no matter how small, diminishes our own moral worth. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ loved joy and laughter, yet he never used them to cause harm. Teaching your child this delicate balance shows them that humour is at its most beautiful when it is rooted in mercy. 

When you discuss the nature of power with your child, you are doing more than teaching social skills; you are cultivating their conscience. You are showing them that real influence is measured not by who laughs at their jokes, but by who feels safe in their presence. 

In these conversations, it is important to approach your child not as an accuser, but as a mentor. Sit beside them, explore their feelings, and remind them that using their voice kindly is a mark of true strength. Over time, they will learn that the best kind of laughter is the kind that includes everyone. 

As they mature, their humour, guided by the remembrance of Allah Almighty, can become a means of spreading warmth and connection. Their ability to make others laugh without causing harm will be a reflection of a heart that has been trained in empathy, respect, and the beautiful light of Islamic character.