How do I support my child when they cannot visit a friend and they lash out? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child reacts angrily to being told that they cannot visit a friend, it can feel frustrating and disheartening, especially if you have given them a fair and valid reason. You may be met with tears, with shouting, or with a period of sulking, leaving you to wonder why they are reacting so strongly. However, behind that anger often lies a deep sense of disappointment and of sadness, not of pure rebellion. Your child’s lashing out is often their only way of coping with a sudden and overwhelming emotional loss. Supporting them in that moment does not have to mean giving in to their demands; it means helping them to manage their frustration and to learn a sense of resilience. 

Understanding the Emotional Trigger 

For a child, friendships can feel like a lifeline, a vital source of their joy, of their acceptance, and of their sense of belonging. When their plans to see a friend fall through, the disappointment can feel much bigger to them than it might to you. Their lashing out is rarely a sign of disrespect; it is an expression of their hurt and of their sense of powerlessness in that moment. Recognising this can help you to respond with a sense of empathy, rather than with one of irritation. 

Responding with Calm and Reflecting Their Understanding 

When your child begins to yell or to cry, it is important to avoid meeting their emotion with your own. You can speak to them in a soft but clear voice: ‘I know that you are feeling upset because you cannot see your friend right now. It is really disappointing when that happens.’ This acknowledgement from you does not condone their behaviour, but it does help to validate their feeling. Most of the time, a child will begin to calm down once they feel that they have been truly understood. 

Maintaining Your Boundaries Firmly but Kindly 

A sense of empathy does not mean that you have to bend your own rules. It is possible to hold firm while still remaining kind. You could say, ‘I do understand that you are upset, but shouting is not going to change my decision. Let us talk about this again when you are feeling calmer.’ You can then give them a few minutes alone to be able to cool off. Your own calm tone of voice can show them that your limits are able to coexist with a sense of compassion, which is a vital lesson for their own emotional balance. 

Offering Positive Alternatives for Connection 

Once your child has had a chance to calm down, you can help them to redirect their initial feeling of disappointment. You could suggest some simple alternatives, such as, ‘Would you like to call your friend or to send them a message instead?’, or ‘Let us plan a visit for another day and we can mark it on the calendar together.’ This can help to shift their focus from what has been lost to what is still possible, and can teach them the virtues of flexibility and of patience. 

Spiritual Insight 

A feeling of disappointment is a natural part of life, even for a child, and these moments can offer us as parents a profound opportunity to teach our children about sabr (patience) and about having a deep and sincere trust in the timing of Allah Almighty. Your own response as a parent can help to turn their frustration into a sense of faith, showing them that our own sense of peace can come from a state of acceptance and of hope, not from getting everything that we want in the moment. 

Finding a Sense of Patience in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 153: 

‘O those of you who are believers, seek assistance (from Allah Almighty) through resilience and prayer, indeed, Allah (Almighty) is with those that are resilient.’ 

This verse reminds us that the state of patience is not a passive one; it is an active form of our own inner strength. When your child is feeling disappointed, guiding them towards a state of patience is a way of linking their own emotional resilience with a deep and spiritual sense of trust. 

The Prophetic Teaching on Managing Anger in Moments of Frustration 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4782, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘When one of you becomes angry, let him be silent.’ 

This hadith is a beautiful fit for these moments of frustration because it directs us towards a state of self-restraint through the act of remaining silent. When your child is lashing out over their disappointment and you are able to respond to them in a quiet way instead of shouting back, you are embodying this prophetic guidance. Your own silence in that moment becomes a powerful lesson for them. 

When your child lashes out after being told that they cannot visit a friend, your own sense of empathy and of composure can teach them that a feeling of disappointment can be managed without having to be destructive. Each calm response that you are able to offer becomes a seed of their own emotional and spiritual maturity, showing them that their frustration is a feeling to be navigated, not one to be feared. 

Over time, they will learn from watching you that a sense of patience can bring with it a sense of peace, that a sense of calmness can bring a sense of clarity, and that the plan of Allah will always unfold with a perfect and divine wisdom. In your own quiet steadiness, they will be able to find both their comfort and their guidance, learning that a true and a lasting friendship with other people must always begin with a sense of inner calm and a deep and abiding trust in the One who arranges all things so perfectly.