How do I stop power struggles where my child seems to ‘win’ by misbehaving again? 

Parenting Perspective 

Power struggles often arise when a child challenges authority, leaving parents feeling as though they have lost control. The child may test limits repeatedly, and it can feel as if they ‘win’ each time, particularly if their behaviour elicits a strong emotional response or if the parent eventually concedes to avoid further conflict. The emotional core of these struggles typically involves control: the child is seeking autonomy over their environment, while the parent is trying to maintain order. 

To break this cycle, it is essential to shift the focus away from winning or losing. The true goal is to cultivate mutual respect and understanding. A child’s misbehaviour is often a method of communicating an unmet need for attention or independence.¹ They are not necessarily ‘winning’ but are learning, albeit clumsily, how to assert themselves. It is important to acknowledge their needs while firmly upholding clear boundaries that promote family values. 

Establish clear expectations and logical consequences for misbehaviour. Avoid engaging in lengthy debates or emotional outbursts, as this only fuels the power struggle. Instead, calmly state the consequence and remain consistent in its application. This consistency helps the child understand that misbehaviour does not grant them power but leads to a predictable outcome that teaches responsibility. It is also wise to choose your battles; not every issue requires a confrontation. For less critical matters, offering choices can empower your child while maintaining structure. 

Immediate Steps to Prevent Power Struggles 

• Set clear boundaries: Ensure that expectations and the consequences for misbehaviour are clearly understood by your child in advance. 

• Remain calm and consistent: Instead of reacting emotionally, adhere to your plan and consistently follow through with the agreed-upon consequences. 

• Offer choices: Empower your child by providing appropriate choices, such as, ‘Would you prefer to tidy your toys now, or in ten minutes?’ This grants them a sense of control.² 

• Acknowledge their feelings: Validate your child’s emotions by saying, ‘I understand that you feel upset. However, this is what we need to do now.’ 

By using these approaches, parents can reduce the emotional intensity of power struggles and begin to break the cycle where misbehaviour appears to be a winning strategy. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings provide invaluable guidance on managing power dynamics within the family. Instead of resorting to harshness, Islam promotes patience, gentleness, and wisdom, fostering an environment of mutual respect. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse is a reminder that challenges, including power struggles, are a part of life and should be met with patience. Children have their own internal struggles, and a parent’s role is not to overpower them but to guide them with compassion. When parents remain calm in the face of defiance, they model the emotional regulation that children need to learn.³ 

It is recorded in Al Adab All Mufrad, Hadith 1317, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who is able to overpower others, but the one who controls himself when he is angry.’ 

This hadith underscores the importance of mastering one’s own emotions. Instead of allowing anger to dictate a response, a parent should approach the power struggle with calmness and self-control. By modelling these virtues, a parent teaches a child how to manage their own feelings and behaviour, fostering a cooperative relationship built on trust and respect rather than conflict.