How do I stop ‘play fighting’ turning into score-settling between siblings? 

Parenting Perspective 

Play fighting between siblings can be a wonderful way to build trust and body control, but it can also quickly descend into score-settling, where old grudges surface under the guise of fun. Your aim is to preserve the positive aspects of this play while removing the fuel for unhealthy rivalry. This can be achieved by setting a shared game plan, using neutral language, and building small rituals that cool tensions before they rise. 

Frame the Activity Around Fun, Not Winning 

Before the play begins, set the tone: ‘In our family, play fighting is for fun and building skills, not for winning or proving who is better.’ Then, establish three ground rules every time. 

• Consent: ‘You must ask first and wait for a clear yes.’ 

• Safety: ‘There is no contact with the head or neck, and no lifting or slamming.’ 

• Stop Word: ‘When anyone says “pause,” we freeze the first time, every time.’ 

A simple ritual is always more effective than a long lecture. 

Use a “Referee” Style with Timed Rounds 

Begin each session with clear instructions: ‘Round one. On your knees only. Thirty seconds. Begin.’ Using short, timed rounds can prevent grudges from slowly building up. A timer and your voice as a referee create clear boundaries, so the competitiveness does not get out of hand. Between rounds, insist on a brief ‘shake-off’: kneel, breathe, and touch fists. 

Use Neutral Language to Praise Skills 

Ban all win-loss language during rough play. Instead, replace it with neutral phrases that focus on specific skills. 

• ‘That was good control.’ 

• ‘I liked how you released at the word pause.’ 

• ‘You showed great balance there.’ 

Praising specific skills, rather than outcomes, prevents children from linking their identity to winning or losing. This teaches children to value self-control over conquest. 

Assign Roles to Protect Dignity 

Rotate different roles so that no one child is cast as the permanent underdog. For example, one could be the ‘Safety Captain’ (responsible for protecting the space), while the other is the ‘Time Keeper’. Giving children roles provides a sense of status that does not depend on winning. 

De-escalate with Two Clear Choices 

At the first sign of rising tension, step in with calm choices: ‘You have two options. We can switch to gentle mode on the mat, or we can take a water break and reset.’ Choices help to redirect a child’s pride without causing public shame. 

Child A: ‘You always win! You went too hard that time.’ 

Parent: ‘Pause. We are focusing on skills, not scores. What do you need to feel safe?’ 

Child A: ‘We should stay on our knees.’ 

Child B: ‘Okay. I will go slower. You can call the time.’ 

Parent: ‘Those are great adjustments. Round two, twenty seconds. Begin.’ 

Teach a Simple Repair Phrase 

If someone accidentally plays too roughly, require one short sentence before the game can resume: ‘I went too hard. I will slow down now.’ This is not about assigning blame; it is about taking ownership. Keeping the phrase short reduces defensiveness. 

End Each Session Purposefully 

Close every session with a 30-second debrief: ‘What is one skill you were proud of? What is one change we can make for next time?’ This helps to stop their minds from replaying grievances. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam guides us to make peace our ultimate goal and to prioritise the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood. Turning play fighting into a safe, skill-based activity is a small but meaningful form of daily reconciliation, teaching siblings to value their bond over the outcome of a bout. 

Making Peace as the Ultimate Goal 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers…’ 

This verse reminds us that the default relationship between believers is one of kinship, and our default action should always be to make peace. When you teach your children to play in a way that is safe and respectful, you are helping them to live this principle. 

The Prophetic Call for Mutual Love 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 66, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’ 

This hadith teaches that true success is found in shared well-being. In the context of play fighting, this means, ‘I want you to be safe and happy while I am also having fun.’ When you ban score-settling, praise self-control, and require quick repairs, you are training this prophetic love into the reflexes of both body and tongue.