< All Topics
Print

How do I stop our parenting differences from turning into silent competition over who is the better parent? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Danger of Silent Competition 

When parents begin to judge each other’s worth based on how their children respond, it rapidly turns into a subtle rivalry disguised as concern. One parent wins affection, while the other gains obedience. One is fun, while the other is firm. Slowly, the common purpose of parenting becomes performance, and the child learns to play the roles rather than respect them. This attitude frequently develops in quiet. It may start as small remarks: He listens to me, not you, or You are too soft, I have to fix it. Over time, the parental emphasis switches from what the child requires to who is doing it better. The result? A broken approach in which the child remains tense even when nothing is said. 

Shifting to a Collaborative Effort 

The solution is to reframe parenting as a collaborative effort rather than a competitive one. Sit down and ask each other: What do we each bring to our child’s life? What does our child need from both of us together? This transforms competition into partnership. Even if you disagree, speak with respect. When you talk about parenting in front of your child, use ‘we,’ not ‘I’, and especially not unlike your mother or your father never… Reinforce your spouse’s strengths in front of the child: Your dad worked hard to teach you that, or Your mum always notices the little things. These moments demonstrate mutual respect and encourage your child to value both parents without feeling compelled to pick. 

Spiritual Insight 

Comparison is one of Shaytan’s oldest tools. It transforms gratitude into jealousy, honesty into competitiveness. Parenting is a sacred trust, not a performance. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them. 

The verse in question warns against both public abuse and silent superiority. In the context of parenting, it tells us that we do not always know which approach Allah Almighty prefers. What appears firm may be wise. What appears lenient may be merciful. It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 45, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. 

In terms of marriage and parenthood, this means wanting your partner to succeed as much as you want your child to thrive. Because when you stop competing, you begin co-parenting, which is when children actually thrive. 

Table of Contents

How can we help?