How do I stop one-upping stories and teach listening instead? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children love to share their stories, especially when they hear something that reminds them of their own experiences. It is natural for them to want to jump in with, ‘That happened to me too!’, or ‘Mine was even bigger!’ What may feel like an act of connection to them can often sound like ‘one-upping’ to others. Over time, this habit can make their friends feel unheard or dismissed. Teaching your child how to pause, to listen, and to respond with a sense of curiosity, instead of with competition, can help them to build their empathy and their emotional maturity, both of which are pillars of a true and lasting friendship. 

Begin with a Gentle Sense of Awareness 

It is helpful to start by explaining what can happen during these ‘one-upping’ moments. You could say, ‘When someone is telling us a story and we immediately tell them ours, it might sound like we are trying to make our own story sound more important, even if we do not mean to.’ To help them to notice this for themselves, you can model both types of responses at home. For example, if you say, ‘My friend just got a new bike,’ and your child replies with, ‘I got a new bike too, and mine is faster!’, you can gently say, ‘That is one way to respond. But how do you think it would feel if you said, “Wow, that is so cool. What colour is their new bike?”’ This simple exercise can help them to hear the difference between competing and connecting. 

Practise the ‘Pause Before You Speak’ Habit 

You can teach your child to take a short breath or to count to two before they respond to someone else’s story. You could call it the ‘Listening Pause.’ You can say to them, ‘Before you start talking, just pause for a moment and think about what they have just told you. What could you ask them about it next?’ This simple skill can help to slow down their instinct to talk about themselves and can replace it with a greater sense of awareness of the other person. 

Use the ‘Three Cs’ of Good Listening 

You can give your child a clear and memorable guide to help them in their conversations. 

• Curiosity: Ask one small question about what the other person has just said. 

• Care: Show your interest in their story with a kind and genuine reaction. 

• Connection: If they do have a similar story to share, they can link it gently to the other person’s, instead of overshadowing it. 

This structure helps to turn a conversation into a collaboration, not a competition. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the act of listening with patience and sincerity is a part of our adab, the refined manners that are a reflection of our humility. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was known not just for what he said, but for how beautifully he listened, with his full attention, in a quiet way, and with his whole presence. Teaching your child to listen before they speak helps to nurture this same prophetic sense of grace. 

The Wisdom of Speaking Less and Listening More 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 19: 

‘And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’ 

This verse, which is a part of Luqman’s wise advice to his son, teaches us the importance of modesty in both our speech and our tone. It reminds us that a sense of gentleness in our conversations, of speaking less and of listening more, is a mark of true wisdom. When your child is able to learn to listen carefully, instead of talking over other people, they are living out this Quranic principle of humility. 

The Importance of Mindful Speech 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 11, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is enough of a lie for a person to speak of everything he hears.’ 

This hadith guides believers to speak in a mindful way and to avoid reacting to every story or statement that they hear. It encourages us to listen with a sense of discernment before we offer a response. For your child, it can teach them that a conversation is not about rushing to add their own story, but about hearing what others have to say with a sense of care and of truthfulness. 

Helping your child to stop the habit of one-upping is not about silencing their enthusiasm; it is about guiding their empathy. They can learn that a true connection does not come from being the loudest voice in the room, but from being the most attentive heart. 

Your gentle reminders and your own personal modelling will show them that listening is not the same as losing; it is an act of valuing the other person. Each time they are able to wait for their turn, to ask a question, or to react with a sense of care, they are strengthening their friendships and reflecting a growing inner confidence. 

In both faith and in psychology, the art of deep listening is a sign of true wisdom. It is a quality that teaches us humility, that nurtures our compassion, and that brings a sense of peace to our conversations. When your child is able to learn to let the stories of others shine before they share their own, they are embodying one of the most beautiful forms of a good character: the quiet grace of being fully present.