How do I stop my child from hitting or kicking during a tantrum?
Parenting Perspective
When a child hits or kicks during a tantrum, it usually is not because they are being aggressive in the way adults might be. Instead, it is often a strong response to feeling overwhelmed emotionally. At younger ages, children’s brains are still growing in their ability to manage intense emotions. When feeling overwhelmed, some individuals might express themselves through physical actions as a way to communicate. While it may be unsettling and occasionally alarming for parents, this behaviour indicates a requirement for assistance rather than discipline. It is important to stay composed, prioritise the safety of everyone present, and respond consistently. It is appropriate to gently but firmly prevent the behaviour by holding the child’s arms or stepping back and then using clear and straightforward language: ‘I will not allow you to hurt.’ Refrain from reacting with anger or criticism, as this may increase the child’s anxiety. Instead, assist them in understanding how to manage these feelings after the moment has passed, utilising stories, play, or reflection. Tackling the issues of hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, and insufficient boundaries can also help lessen the chances of these problems happening again. Parents might have to go over these lessons several times; this is a necessary step in assisting a child in developing self-control.
Spiritual Insight
From an Islamic perspective, discipline with mercy is at the heart of parenting. It is natural for children to become overwhelmed and lose control; our duty is to guide them with kindness and structure. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqan (25), Verse 63: ‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who, wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “peace be unto you”.’ While this verse speaks of adult believers, it also points to the standard of calm, composed conduct Muslims are encouraged to develop, which parents can model during difficult moments. Moreover, the noble Quran emphasises balance in all things. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 19: ‘And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’ This advice from Luqman to his son conveys how self-control and gentle conduct are values to be taught early.
It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4807, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘Allah is gentle, likes gentleness, and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness.’ Parents can guide their children through this lesson gradually, helping them identify their emotions, take a moment to calm down when they are upset, and understand that true strength comes from controlling their behaviour. Through Sabr, consistent boundaries, and Duas seeking help from Allah Almighty, Muslim parents can teach discipline without harshness, fostering children who feel secure and guided in their growth.
