How do I stop “just joking” being used to cover unkind digs? 

Parenting Perspective 

Many children quickly learn to defend a hurtful remark by saying, ‘I was only joking.’ While this phrase may seem harmless on the surface, in practice it can normalise a form of cruelty that is disguised as humour. It also robs the person who has been hurt of their right to say, ‘That upset me,’ because a defence has already been built into the comment. Your role as a parent is to help your child to separate humour from harm, and to teach them that jokes which leave someone feeling hurt are not really jokes at all. 

Explain the Difference Between Playful and Hurtful Jokes 

It is important to begin by making the dividing line clear. You can say, “A real joke is one that makes everyone laugh, including the person it is about. If someone feels hurt by it, then it was not a good joke.” This gives your child a simple and effective test that they can apply in the moment. 

Do Not Let ‘Just Joking’ End the Conversation 

When your child tries to hide behind the phrase, you can calmly respond, “You may say you were only joking, but your words still had a hurtful impact. Let us try to say that again in a kinder way.” This approach shifts the focus from their intention to the actual impact of their words, teaching them that excuses do not erase the harm they have caused. 

Teach Phrases for Repair 

You can give your child alternative phrases to use that can help to reset the moment. 

• Instead of saying, ‘I was only joking,’ they could say, ‘I did not mean for that to hurt you. Can I try again?’ 

• Instead of saying, ‘You are just being too sensitive,’ they could say, ‘I can see that what I said upset you. Let me rephrase it.’ 

These replacements help to teach them responsibility and empathy, rather than defensiveness. 

Model Jokes That Lift, Not Lower 

Show your child how to use humour to include other people, rather than to exclude them. You can play with puns, silly exaggerations, or funny voices. You can also point out, “Do you see how that made all of us laugh and nobody felt small? That is what good and kind humour does.” 

Reinforce Honest Repairs 

When your child manages to rephrase a comment respectfully after they have made a slip, it is important to affirm their effort by saying, “Thank you for trying that again. That was much kinder.” Over time, this positive reinforcement will make them more likely to repair the situation quickly instead of hiding behind the ‘just joking’ excuse. 

A Mini-Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘You are so slow… I was only joking!’ 

Parent: ‘That sounded more like a put-down than a joke. Can you please try saying that again in a kind way?’ 

Child: ‘Okay… I like how careful you are being. Can I help you with anything to speed things up?’ 

Parent: ‘That was very thoughtful. Thank you for repairing your words.’ 

By addressing the behaviour immediately and teaching better alternatives, you can set the clear expectation that humour must be used to build connection, not to cover up unkindness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam allows for humour and playfulness, but it warns us against using ridicule and hurtful speech. Our words, even when spoken in jest, carry a great deal of weight. 

Joking Without Harm Is Part of Respect 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…’ 

This verse makes it clear that mocking, belittling, or putting other people down is forbidden, even if it is disguised as a joke. Teaching this to our children helps them to see that showing respect is a core part of their faith, and that their words must never be used to belittle someone, even in play. 

The Prophet’s Guidance on Truthful and Kind Humour 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1990, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was told by his companions, “You joke with us.” He replied: 

‘Indeed, but I only speak the truth.’ 

This Hadith shows that even our joking must be rooted in truth and kindness, never in harm or lies. Sharing this with your children can help them to understand that while humour is permitted in Islam, it must always be used in a way that protects the dignity of others. 

By guiding your children away from the ‘just joking’ excuse and towards honest and respectful speech, you can help them to see that humour is meant to spread joy, not to cause pain. Over time, they will learn that the best kinds of jokes never need an excuse because they are always safe, kind, and a beautiful reflection of a good character that is pleasing to Allah Almighty.