How do I stop ‘he started it’ from blocking responsibility every time? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few phrases can test a parent’s patience more than, ‘He started it!’ This statement instantly shifts the focus from the issue at hand to a battle of blame. You may feel trapped in endless debates about who did what first, rather than addressing how each child can do better next time. This pattern teaches children that deflecting blame is more effective than taking ownership, a habit that can undermine both relationships and character if it is left uncorrected. The goal is to break this cycle by teaching shared accountability, showing that what matters most is not another’s provocation, but one’s own response. 

Shift the Focus from Blame to Resolution 

The next time an argument erupts, avoid investigating who started it. Instead, calmly say: 

‘I am not interested in who began it. I am interested in how each of you is going to help to fix it.’ 

This approach instantly reframes the problem from one of accusation to one of action. You are showing your children that in your home, responsibility is not cancelled out by blame. Over time, this helps them to see that every person has power over their own choices, regardless of what others do. 

Cultivate a Sense of Shared Responsibility 

After a conflict, once emotions have cooled, you can explain gently: 

‘Even if someone else did start it, you always have a choice in how you respond.’ 

Help both children to recognise that fairness does not mean finding the ‘villain’; it means that everyone can learn from their part in what happened. If one child provoked and the other exploded, both children have an opportunity to grow; one in kindness, the other in self control. 

Hold Both Children Accountable 

Instead of punishing only the child who ‘started it’, hold both accountable for their part in the conflict. 

• The one who provokes may need to apologise. 

• The one who retaliates may need to take some time to calm down. 

When each child knows that their own response matters, they will stop trying to escape responsibility by blaming others. 

Spiritual Insight 

Shifting blame is an old human instinct, yet Islam calls us to a higher state of self awareness and accountability. Teaching children to take ownership of their responses, even when they have been wronged, mirrors the Quranic principle that each soul is responsible for its own actions. 

Personal Accountability in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 15: 

‘Whoever (follows the pathway of righteous) guidance, then indeed, he has found that guidance for his personal benefit; and whoever (follows the) erroneous (pathway), then indeed, he has been erroneous (to his own detriment); and no one shall bear the responsibility of the burdens of another…’ 

This verse teaches that every individual stands accountable for their own choices. By reminding your children of this truth, you are nurturing a conscience that values integrity over excuses. Even if ‘he started it’, each child must answer for their own reaction, both before others and before Allah Almighty. 

True Responsibility in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2459, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The wise one is he who controls himself and works for what comes after death, and the foolish one is he who follows his desires and merely hopes in Allah.’ 

This Hadith teaches that wisdom lies in self accountability, not in blaming others or in following one’s emotions. When you help your children to recognise that wisdom means managing their own impulses, you are guiding them toward maturity and self mastery. Each act of restraint becomes an act of strength, an early form of spiritual intelligence. 

When your children hide behind the excuse of, ‘He started it’, they are not resisting discipline; they are learning how power works in relationships. By calmly dismantling the blame and insisting on shared responsibility, you teach them a truth that will shape their future: that peace begins not when others change, but when they do.