How do I stay patient when my child says “you never listen” after I pause them? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few words sting a parent more than, ‘You never listen.’ You may feel defensive, frustrated, or misunderstood, especially when you know you do listen but are simply asking your child to wait. In these moments, patience becomes more than just a virtue; it is a form of emotional discipline. Your child is not judging your love; they are expressing their hurt and impatience in clumsy words. Beneath that protest is usually a deeper message: ‘I am scared my voice does not matter.’ Remaining calm allows you to address that fear without letting your own frustration take over. 

Hear the Feeling, Not Just the Words 

When your child says, ‘You never listen,’ they are speaking from a place of emotion, not evidence. Instead of correcting them immediately, it is more effective to validate the feeling first. You could say, ‘I can see you really want me to listen right now. What you have to say is important to me.’ Then, you can calmly explain, ‘I want to hear you properly, and I will as soon as I have finished helping your sister.’ This teaches them that waiting does not mean being ignored; it means taking turns respectfully. 

Maintain a Calm Authority 

When emotions are running high, children look to you for stability. If you raise your voice or begin to argue, the moment can quickly become a battle for power. Instead, respond gently but firmly: ‘I understand you are upset. I am not ignoring you; I am helping your brother right now, and then it will be your turn.’ Your composure communicates control, security, and fairness, which are the very things your child is craving in that moment of frustration. 

Reflect on Their Perspective Later 

Once things have calmed down, you can revisit the moment. You might say, ‘Earlier, you said that I never listen. I know it felt that way, but do you remember how I came back to you afterwards? That is because I always keep my promise.’ This reflection helps them to connect the act of patience with your reliability. You are showing them that being heard might take time, but it is never denied. 

Model What True Listening Looks Like 

When you do give your child your attention, show them what deep listening looks like. Put away any distractions, maintain eye contact, and respond thoughtfully. The quality of your attention matters more than the quantity. This reassures your child that even if they have to wait, your listening will be full and genuine. You might also say, ‘I had to pause you earlier, but I am fully here for you now. Tell me everything.’ This turns the pause into proof of your fairness, not neglect. 

Reinforce Positive Expression 

When your child manages to wait calmly or expresses their disappointment in a respectful way, praise them for it. ‘You told me how you were feeling without shouting. That was very mature of you.’ By recognising their respectful communication, you show them that their honesty is valued, even when it is emotional. This helps them to replace accusations with calm and clear expression. 

Spiritual Insight 

Patience during an emotional confrontation is one of the greatest tests of both parenting and faith. Islam teaches that calm restraint in moments of anger is a reflection of inner strength and spiritual maturity. Listening is not just an act of the ears, but of the heart. It is a way to honour the dignity of those we love, especially our children. 

The Quranic View on Listening with Mercy 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 18: 

‘Those people that listen attentively to a saying, and then follow what is the best (content) from it; those are the people who have been guided by Allah (Almighty); and those are the people of rational understanding.’ 

This verse reminds us that true listening goes beyond just hearing words; it involves humility and reflection. When a parent listens calmly, even after a child’s outburst, they are embodying this Quranic wisdom, guiding with gentleness rather than reacting from a place of pride. 

The Prophetic Link Between Patience and Peace 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4186, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever restrains his anger when he is able to act upon it, Allah will call him before all of creation on the Day of Resurrection and let him choose from the Hur al-‘Ayn whomever he wants.’ 

Meaning: This hadith highlights that choosing patience in heated moments brings both peace and a divine reward. When you remain composed after being told ‘you never listen,’ you are not only modelling emotional maturity for your child, but you are also earning the tranquillity that is promised by Allah Almighty. 

Parenting with patience does not mean you will never feel hurt; it means not allowing that hurt to dictate your response. Each time you pause and breathe before you react, you are teaching your child that love listens, even when it has to wait. Over time, they will come to see that a pause is not a rejection, and that your silence is not neglect, but a space that is created for fairness and understanding. Through your calmness, you can transform a moment of criticism into one of connection, and a moment of frustration into one of faith.