How do I stay composed when my child demands I treat them exactly like others? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a moment many parents know all too well. Your child, perhaps with tears in their eyes, says, ‘You always treat them better!’ or ‘Why do you not treat me like everyone else?’ The words can sting, and it is natural to feel a defensive frustration rising within you. However, beneath this complaint lies something more fragile: your child’s deep need to feel seen, valued, and secure in your love. Remaining composed in these moments is not about proving your fairness, but about showing empathy, reassurance, and wisdom. 

The Emotion Beneath the Words 

When your child demands identical treatment, it usually stems from an anxiety around comparison. They are trying to measure your love through visible and tangible fairness, such as the number of privileges or praises each person receives. What they cannot yet see is that fairness and sameness are not the same thing. Recognising this helps you to remain patient. They are not accusing you of injustice; they are expressing their insecurity in the only way they know how. 

Empathy Before Explanation 

When emotions are high, logic will not be heard. Instead of defending yourself immediately by saying, ‘I treat you all equally!’, it is best to begin by acknowledging the feeling behind their words. You could say, ‘I can see that you feel very upset because you think things are not fair. That must be a hurtful feeling.’ 

After a brief pause, you can continue softly, ‘But I want you to know this: I love you completely, and my decisions are based on what is best for you, not on who gets more or less.’ If your child continues to protest, keep your tone steady, ‘It is okay to feel upset. My love for you is not measured by what I give; it is something that never changes.’ 

Avoiding Emotional Debates 

When children demand identical treatment, they are often testing whether their emotions can shift your decisions. Your steadiness, not your words, is what teaches them security. Keep your tone neutral, your body language relaxed, and your replies brief. If they persist in making comparisons, you can calmly say, ‘I understand that it feels unfair right now, but I sometimes have to make different choices because each of you has different needs. That does not mean anyone is loved more or less.’ It is best to avoid listing examples or trying to ‘prove’ your equality, as this can make a child feel evaluated rather than reassured. 

Modelling Fairness Through Presence 

True fairness is shown not through identical actions, but through consistent kindness and time. When your child feels heard, valued, and cherished as an individual, their comparisons will begin to fade. Make space later to reconnect with them personally, spending one-on-one time doing something small but meaningful. You could then say, gently, ‘You are special in your own way, and I love seeing what makes you unique. My love for you and your sibling is not the same; it is unique, just like each of you.’ This helps to turn a sense of comparison into one of connection. 

Spiritual Insight 

When your child demands identical treatment, it can mirror one of life’s deeper lessons: that equality in love does not always mean sameness in outcome. As a parent, you are called to reflect the balance and mercy that Allah Almighty shows in His creation, giving each person what they need, not simply what they want. 

Divine Justice and Individual Wisdom 

The Quran reminds us that Allah Almighty’s wisdom includes diversity and difference, with each person receiving according to their situation and purpose. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 71: 

‘And Allah (Almighty) has preferred some a few over others in the provisions (of this world)… then is it the benefactions of Allah (Almighty) that they discard?’ 

As a parent, your own sense of fairness can mirror this divine principle. You meet each child’s needs in the way that suits them best, which is not always in an identical form. Your calm explanation, rooted in mercy, reflects this balance: a fairness guided by understanding, not by comparison. 

The Prophetic Guidance on Justice and Love 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that justice begins not in giving the same to everyone, but in giving what is right and appropriate for each individual. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 3544, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This Hadith teaches that justice in parenting is love expressed through wisdom; sometimes differently for each child, but never unequal in spirit. When you respond calmly to your child’s comparisons, you are embodying this Hadith in action, demonstrating justice with gentleness, and guidance with mercy. 

When your child demands identical treatment, remember that they are not questioning your love, but seeking reassurance of it. Your calm, warm tone and your consistent presence provide that reassurance more effectively than any argument could. Over time, they will learn that fairness does not mean sameness, and that true love adapts to protect and nurture each person uniquely. 

Each time you respond with patience instead of defensiveness, you are not only teaching fairness, but practising it. You are modelling the very mercy and balance that Allah Almighty loves, turning an emotional challenge into a moment of spiritual grace and lasting connection.