How do I stay calm when my child’s disappointment triggers my frustration? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child is disappointed, whether they are sulking after losing a game or crying over a cancelled plan, it can stir strong emotions in parents as well. You may feel frustrated by their reaction, helpless to fix their sadness, or even angry at what seems like an overreaction. In those moments, it can be easy to say something harsh. However, your calmness is precisely what your child needs to feel safe and guided. Staying composed not only helps you to handle the situation more effectively but also models how to regulate emotions during setbacks. 

Recognise Your Own Triggers 

The first step towards a calmer response is to understand why your child’s disappointment is triggering your own frustration. 

• Perhaps their reaction reminds you of how your feelings were dismissed when you were a child. 

• It may be that you feel a sense of guilt or failure for not being able to protect them from the problem. 

• Sometimes, the persistence of their unhappiness can simply feel overwhelming. 

By naming your trigger, you create a crucial space between your child’s behaviour and your own reaction. 

Pause Before You Respond 

When you feel irritation or frustration rising, intentionally take a short pause before you speak or act. 

• Take a step back and breathe deeply for a few seconds. 

• Remind yourself: ‘This is my child’s disappointment, not mine to solve.’ 

• Consciously lower the tone of your voice before you begin to speak. 

This brief pause allows you to respond with intention rather than reacting with frustration. 

Use Supportive Self-Talk 

Replace the harsh, critical thoughts that can arise in stressful moments with gentler, more constructive self-talk. 

• Instead of, ‘Why are they being so dramatic?’, try telling yourself, ‘They are still learning how to cope with big feelings.’ 

• Instead of, ‘I cannot deal with this again,’ you can reframe it as, ‘This is a chance for me to guide, not just to react.’ 

Offer Empathy Before Guidance 

Always begin your interaction with empathy, not with instructions or corrections. Once your child feels heard and understood, they will be far more open to your calm guidance. 

• ‘I can see you are really upset that things did not go as you had hoped.’ 

• ‘It feels hard when you try so much and still do not get what you wanted.’ 

Practise Your Own Calming Rituals 

Develop your own simple strategies for managing stress before it builds up. Your calm is a shield for both you and your child. 

• Make a quiet du‘a or recite something you have memorised when you feel overwhelmed. 

• If it is safe to do so, step away for a brief moment to reset. 

• Keep your voice gentle, even if the words you need to say are firm. 

Model the Calmness You Want to See 

Your child learns how to handle disappointment by watching you. Use these moments to show them that calmness is a strength. 

• You could say, ‘I am feeling a little frustrated by this situation too, so I am going to take a deep breath before I answer.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places great emphasis on patience and self-control, especially in moments of testing. A parent’s own frustration in the face of their child’s disappointment is, in itself, a trial from Allah. Responding with calmness is therefore an act of worship. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 200: 

‘O you who are believers, be patient, and be resilient, and be constant, and attain piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may be successful.’ 

This verse teaches us that true success lies in perseverance and self-control during challenging moments. For a parent, responding calmly to a child’s emotional upset is a beautiful form of this perseverance. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 45, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who overcomes others by force, but the one who controls himself when angry.’ 

This profound hadith applies directly to parenting. True strength is not found in silencing a disappointed child, but in managing your own feelings of anger or frustration with grace and composure. By grounding yourself in these teachings, you can remind your heart that your calmness is both an act of mercy towards your child and an act of obedience to Allah Almighty. This will not only reduce your own frustration but will also teach your child the most powerful lesson of all: that patience and composure are greater victories than winning any game or getting one’s way.