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How do I show my child that it is possible to be upset and still speak kindly? 

Parenting Perspective 

Rewriting the Association 

Children often believe that being angry justifies being cruel. This is due to the fact that they often witness harshness and intensity travelling together. By describing your effort as it occurs, you can rewrite that association: I am upset right now, but I am choosing to speak gently because I love you. You are teaching your child that values, not feelings, determine behaviour when you express your emotions out loud while maintaining composure. 

The Power of Modelling 

Even if your tone wants to increase, lower it. Sit down if necessary, relax your hands, and moderate your breathing. Just as much can be learnt from your body posture as from your words. Say something like, We are both feeling big things, if the child is also sad. Let us make an effort to talk carefully so that we can hear one another. This is an act of dignity, not of pretending to be calm. Your child will learn that while emotions are genuine and legitimate, they do not have to be loud or painful if you set an example of this on a daily basis. Neither your sentiments nor theirs are being erased. All you are doing is proving that kindness is most powerful when it is chosen under duress. Emotional discipline in parenting is characterised by the presence of grace rather than the absence of anger. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ never raised his voice to dominate. His nobility in speech was visible even when his heart carried grief or disappointment. The noble Quran affirms this in Surah Al Qalam (68), Verse 4: 

And indeed, you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ innately) possess characteristics that are the greatest (example).” 

His strength was not in loudness, but in restraint. It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 4799, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: 

Nothing will be placed on the scale heavier than good character. 

Islam places a great deal of importance on our speech when we are offended. It displays spiritual fortitude in addition to manners. Your child learns that emotional honesty and mercy can coexist when they witness you being both upset and kind. Character is demonstrated in conflict, not in comfort. 

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