How do I see the link between harsh words and my child’s low confidence? 

Parenting Perspective 

When children repeatedly hear harsh words, even in moments of frustration, it can leave a lasting imprint on their self-image. A child may internalise criticism as a statement about their worth rather than as feedback on specific behaviour, leading to a quiet fear of inadequacy. Over time, exposure to sharp or demeaning language can erode their confidence, making them hesitant to try new things, speak up, or take initiative. 

To see this link clearly, it is important to observe your child’s behaviour and emotional responses. Look for subtle cues such as avoidance of challenging tasks, frequent self-doubt, over-apologising, or a reluctance to share ideas. These are often silent indicators that harsh words have been internalised. The key is to pause before speaking, especially when you feel frustrated, and ask yourself, ‘Is what I am about to say helpful for their learning, or will it damage their self-esteem?’ Shifting from criticism to constructive guidance allows a child to focus on growth instead of fear. 

Gentle Reframing of Feedback 

• Separate behaviour from identity: Emphasise that mistakes are a part of learning, not a reflection of their worth. For example, say, ‘I see you made a mistake here. Let us figure out how to fix it together’, instead of, ‘You are so careless’. 

• Model calm problem-solving: Show your child how to approach errors with curiosity rather than shame. This teaches them that challenges are opportunities for growth, not personal failings. 

• Acknowledge effort: Notice and praise sincere attempts, even if the result is not perfect. A simple, ‘I really appreciate how hard you tried on this’, can help rebuild confidence that harsh words may have undermined. 

By consistently applying these approaches, you can shift the emotional environment from one of fear to one of reassurance. Children will begin to understand that their value is defined not by their mistakes, but by their effort and willingness to learn. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that the words we use carry immense weight, particularly in guiding young hearts. Harsh speech can harm a child’s inner sense of dignity, which Allah Almighty has instilled in every person. Gentle, constructive guidance nurtures both moral character and self-confidence. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ahzaab (33), Verses 21: 

‘ Indeed, there is for you (O mankind) in (the (personality) of) the Messenger of Allah (Almighty) (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ), an outstanding example of incredible benevolence; it is for those people that have hope in Allah (Almighty) and the Day of Judgement, and (desire) to remember Allah (Almighty) excessively.‘ 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ exemplified patience, compassion, and encouragement. He guided his companions and children with a gentle spirit, providing the perfect model for us to follow. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594a, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Kindness is not removed from anything but it beautifies it, and it is not taken away from a person, but it raises him.’ 

This hadith reminds parents that gentle speech uplifts, while harshness diminishes. Recognising the link between your words and your child’s confidence is a step towards creating an environment where guidance is experienced as love. By choosing mercy, patience, and positive reinforcement, parents can help their children develop the resilience and self-worth needed to strengthen both their heart and character.