How do I respond when praise makes my child anxious about keeping up? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Pressure of Praise 

While praise is intended to build a child’s confidence, it can sometimes create an unintended pressure to keep performing at a high level. This anxiety often stems from a fear of failing to live up to expectations, leading a child to believe their worth is tied only to their achievements. They may start to avoid challenges altogether for fear of losing your approval. 

You might notice this anxiety through certain signs: 

• Perfectionism: The child becomes fixated on getting everything right, putting excessive effort into even small tasks. 

• Reluctance: They may avoid trying new things where they are not guaranteed to succeed. 

• Withdrawal: The child might shut down emotionally when faced with a task they feel unsure about. 

• Avoiding praise: Paradoxically, they may even start to deflect compliments to avoid the pressure of maintaining that standard. 

How to Respond with Reassurance 

Your response is crucial in helping them shift this perspective. The first step is to validate their feelings with empathy: ‘I can see you are worried about always having to be the best, and I understand why that feels like a lot of pressure’. 

Next, shift the focus of your praise from the outcome to the effort. Acknowledging their hard work, determination, and growth helps them internalise that their value is not tied to results. For example, instead of saying, ‘You are so brilliant for getting an A’, you could say, ‘I am so proud of the effort you put into studying for this exam’. This reframes praise around the process, not just the final mark. 

Spiritual Insight 

The teachings of Islam encourage us to find value in sincerity and effort, rather than focusing solely on worldly results. This perspective can free a child from the anxiety of seeking constant validation from others. 

Valuing Effort Over Outcome 

Our faith teaches humility and gratitude, which allows us to accept both successes and failures with grace. A child’s sincere struggles are just as valuable as their visible successes in the sight of Allah Almighty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse is a powerful comfort, reminding us that our effort in the right direction is what is truly valued, and we are only responsible for what is within our capacity. 

The Importance of Sincere Intentions 

Islam reminds us that the intention behind an action is more important than the result it produces. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 1, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Actions are judged by intentions, so each person will get what was intended.’ 

This Hadith is a beautiful reminder that Allah Almighty sees the sincerity in our hearts. By guiding your child to focus on their intention and effort, you help them find peace in the process of learning, freeing them from the anxiety of external praise and anchoring their self-worth in something much deeper.