How do I respond when my child says ‘he started it’ to avoid responsibility? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child exclaims, ‘he started it’, they are usually trying to shield themselves from shame or the consequences of their actions. It is helpful to treat this phrase as a signal of fear, not as a sign of defiance. Your role is to slow the situation down, lower the emotional intensity, and create a fair pathway towards taking ownership. Speak in a steady tone and maintain a calm facial expression, as children often model your emotional state before they listen to your words. 

Establish a Fair and Predictable Process 

A predictable structure makes honesty feel safer than deflecting blame. Consider using this simple sequence whenever a conflict arises: 

• Pause the argument: Announce calmly, ‘We will sort this out. Everyone is safe while we figure out what happened.’ 

• Separate and listen: Ask for brief accounts from each child, one at a time. 

• Name the family value: State clearly, ‘In our home, each person owns their part, and then we work on repairing the situation.’ 

• Decide logical next steps: Implement small, proportionate consequences or repair tasks for each child’s individual choices. 

This routine communicates that every story will be heard, justice will be fair, and blaming others will not erase personal responsibility. 

Provide the Words for Taking Ownership 

Children often resort to blaming because they lack the vocabulary for confession. You can provide them with short, simple scripts and rehearse them during calm moments: 

• ‘I pushed first because I felt upset.’ 

• ‘I joined in when I should have walked away.’ 

• ‘I said the mean word, and I am ready to fix it.’ 

Role-playing these scenarios helps to convert integrity from an abstract idea into a usable skill that can be applied under pressure. 

Focus on Repair Over Punishment 

Once each child has acknowledged their role in the conflict, move directly into a brief repair plan. This makes accountability feel constructive rather than overwhelming. 

• Repair: Tidy up any scattered items, reset the space, or write a kind note of apology. 

• Restore: Offer to spend time with or help the sibling who was hurt. 

• Reflect: Ask only two questions: ‘What happened?’ and ‘What will you try to do differently next time?’ 

Offer specific praise for their honesty: ‘You owned your part without blaming anyone else. That takes real courage.’ This kind of praise helps to turn honesty into a rewarding aspect of their identity. 

Ensure Blaming Is Not a Rewarding Strategy 

It is vital to create an environment where scapegoating is not an effective tactic. 

• Avoid group punishment and ensure that outcomes are aligned with each child’s specific behaviour. 

• Do not accept quick verdicts; always take the time to verify what happened. 

• Acknowledge and praise small acts of honesty: ‘You admitted your part quickly. That is how we keep trust strong in our family.’ 

• Build sibling empathy through shared tasks and team successes to reduce the rivalry that can fuel blame. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Najam (53), Verses 38-39: 

‘And no one shall bear any (additional) responsibility, (especially) the responsibility of others. And they shall be nothing (to account) for mankind except what he has undertaken.’ 

This verse draws a clear line through the heart of family quarrels: every person is answerable for their own choices. When a child defaults to saying, ‘he started it’, you can gently guide them back to this principle. Explain that Islam teaches personal accountability as a form of dignity. Your process should allow every child to be heard, after which each one is invited to name their part in the conflict and identify their next right step. Linking this routine to the verse helps children understand that owning one’s actions is not about losing face, but about living with honour before Allah Almighty. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 7138, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ 

This Prophetic teaching brings the principle of accountability directly into the home. Responsibility is not a punishment but a trust (amanah). For siblings, their ‘flock’ includes their own words, hands, and temper. When you guide a child to admit, ‘I chose to push’, you are training them to be a trustworthy shepherd over their own behaviour. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ modelled leadership rooted in self-accountability. In a family setting, this translates to clear expectations, calm consequences, and swift repair after harm has been done. This approach helps accountability become an honourable habit rather than a forced confession. A home that prizes a just process and quick repair teaches children to carry their own deeds with courage, making sure outcomes are matched to individual actions. Over time, the phrase ‘he started it’ fades, replaced by, ‘Here is my part. I will fix it.’ This shift is not only a success in parenting but also a profound spiritual education.