How do I respond when my child minimises with ‘It is not a big deal’? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child brushes off a mistake by saying, ‘it is not a big deal’, it can leave a parent feeling dismissed or frustrated. However, this phrase often hides something deeper, such as discomfort with guilt, a fear of disappointment, or uncertainty about how to make things right. Children use minimising as a defence mechanism to protect their sense of self from shame. Instead of reacting with frustration, the most effective response is to help them understand the ripple effect of their actions. A calm tone works better than a lecture. You might say, ‘It might not feel like a big deal to you, but it mattered to your friend. Let us talk about what happened.’ This keeps the door open for reflection without causing them to become defiant. 

Shift the Focus from Defence to Understanding 

When your child minimises their actions, avoid countering them with exaggerated seriousness, which can escalate the situation. Instead, ground the moment in gentle exploration. Ask reflective questions that guide them towards empathy, such as, ‘What made you think it was not a big deal?’ or ‘How do you think the other person felt when that happened?’ This approach encourages them to consider different perspectives and to think about the impact of their behaviour on others. 

Model Emotional Safety and Accountability 

Children will only take responsibility for their actions when they feel emotionally safe enough to do so. If they fear harsh judgement or punishment, they are more likely to continue to deflect and minimise. When they see you acknowledge your own small mistakes calmly by saying, ‘I became distracted and forgot to do that; that was not right of me’, they learn that accountability is a sign of maturity, not humiliation. This environment helps them to develop an inner moral compass that is rooted in honesty rather than fear. 

Ultimately, when a child minimises their actions, the goal is not to win the argument but to nurture truthfulness and humility. By treating even small matters with fairness and calmness, you teach them that righteousness is measured not by the size of the act but by the sincerity of the response. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zalzalah (99), Verses 7-8: 

‘Thus, everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is good shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment). And everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is wicked shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment).’ 

This verse is a timeless reminder that no act is too small to be noticed in the sight of Allah Almighty. When a child says, ‘it is not a big deal’, they are unknowingly dismissing the sacred truth that even the smallest action carries moral weight. Sharing this teaching helps a child to understand that responsibility is not about scale but about sincerity. It nurtures an inner awareness that every choice has a consequence. You can use this verse gently to guide reflection: ‘In the eyes of Allah, even small things matter. Let us fix this so that we can feel good about it.’ 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2621, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not belittle any good deed, even meeting your brother with a cheerful face.’ 

This Hadith reinforces the same moral principle that nothing done for good or ill is insignificant. When you connect this teaching to your child’s everyday situation, it frames morality in relatable terms. Just as a small act of kindness has value, so too do carelessness and hurtful words have meaning. When you link these divine truths to your child’s instinct to minimise, you are not scolding them; you are teaching spiritual awareness. By responding with wisdom instead of anger, you can transform a moment of denial into a lesson in Taqwa, helping your child understand that moral growth begins with the quiet awareness that every deed matters.