How do I respond when my child argues about fairness every time chores are assigned? 

Parenting Perspective 

When every mention of chores turns into an argument about who does more or who has it easier, it can leave you exhausted and defensive. The word “fair” suddenly becomes a child’s favourite weapon, and what should be a lesson in teamwork turns into a courtroom debate. But beneath the complaints lies something important: your child is beginning to develop a moral sense of justice. Your task is to shape that instinct into gratitude, responsibility, and cooperation. 

Understanding the “It Is Not Fair!” Phase 

Arguing about fairness often emerges when children start comparing (time, effort, or privilege), especially among siblings. Their sense of fairness is sincere but limited; they equate fairness with equality rather than equity. To them, “fair” means “exactly the same.” They do not yet grasp that fairness can also mean doing what is appropriate for each person. 

Recognise that these arguments are not signs of defiance, but of a developing conscience. When you acknowledge this, you can respond with calm guidance instead of irritation. 

Try saying: ‘I understand you want things to feel fair. Let us talk about what that really means.’ This opens dialogue rather than battle. 

Redefining Fairness in Practical Terms 

Children need to see that family life is built on balance, not strict sameness. Explain that fairness depends on age, ability, and responsibility, not on everything being identical. For example: ‘Your sister feeds the cat because she is older and can measure the food safely. You take out the recycling because you are strong enough for it. That is fair, even though the jobs are different.’ 

Use examples they understand, and revisit the point often. The more you normalise this distinction, the less defensive they will become. 

Involving Them in the Process 

Involving children in chore planning gives them a sense of control. Sit together and create a simple schedule that everyone can agree feels reasonable. When they participate in setting expectations, they are less likely to challenge them later. 

Ask: ‘Which job do you think fits you best?’ or ‘How can we share these in a way that works for everyone?’ Ownership quiets resistance far more effectively than orders do. 

Staying Calm and Consistent 

When your child insists, ‘It is still not fair!’, avoid lengthy justifications. Stay steady: ‘I have heard what you think. This is the plan, and it is fair for our family.’ 

Repetition without anger teaches boundaries. If you waver or argue, you invite debate. If you stay calm, you model self control, the same trait you want them to develop. Also, watch for emotional timing. Avoid assigning chores when everyone is tired or hungry; children are far more likely to argue when their energy is low. 

Building Gratitude and Perspective 

Sometimes, children see chores only as burdens, not contributions. Help them connect responsibility with gratitude by highlighting benefits: ‘We all help at home so that things stay peaceful and everyone has time to rest later.’ 

You can also involve reflection: ‘Who made dinner tonight? Who washed the dishes? See how everyone helps one another; that is what fairness looks like.’ The aim is to shift their focus from comparison to cooperation: from ‘Who is doing more?’ to ‘How can we help each other?’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Fairness, balance, and responsibility are deeply rooted in Islamic teaching. Islam guides us not toward rigid equality, but toward ‘adl (justice) giving each person what is rightly theirs in proportion to their role and ability. Teaching this concept early helps children see chores not as unfair impositions, but as opportunities to serve and show gratitude. 

Justice and Balance in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

This reminds us that justice means acting with balance and goodness, not rigid equality. By explaining that each family member contributes according to their capacity, you teach your child to reflect divine order, where fairness is guided by wisdom, not sameness. 

Responsibility and Teamwork in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 212, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ 

This teaches that every person has their own role and responsibility. When your child understands that everyone’s effort, no matter how different, keeps the home strong, they begin to see chores as part of shared stewardship, not unfair burden. 

Each time your child claims “it is not fair,” they are expressing a longing for justice, and that is something beautiful when channelled wisely. Your calm consistency teaches that fairness is not sameness, but sincerity in effort. As they mature, they will see that real fairness means fulfilling one’s own duty well, trusting that others are doing the same. Your steady, patient guidance turns these everyday arguments into lessons in justice, humility, and teamwork. Spiritually, you are teaching them to mirror the balance that Allah Almighty loves: fairness shaped by compassion, not competition. When they grasp that fairness begins with effort, not comparison, they will stop measuring chores against others and start measuring them against their own integrity. And in that moment, you will have planted the seed of justice in both their heart and their home.