How do I respond if they skip an activity to avoid being shouted at?

Parenting Perspective

When a child skips an activity because they are afraid of being shouted at, the core problem is not a lack of motivation, but a lack of safety. Their nervous system is learning that avoidance is a strategy that keeps them safe from loud reactions. Your role is to replace their fear with a sense of predictability and respect, so they can face tasks without bracing themselves for harm. You can start by acknowledging their fear, rather than focusing immediately on the missed task: ‘You stayed away because you thought you would be shouted at. I can understand why that felt like the safer option. I want to handle this situation differently with you.’

Reset the Emotional Climate

Children are more likely to cooperate when they trust that they will not be humiliated. Lower your voice, slow down your pace of speaking, and soften your facial expression. It can be helpful to sit beside your child, rather than opposite them. You can offer them a sip of water and say: ‘You are not in trouble. We are going to solve this problem together.’ This helps to calm their body first, which is a necessary step before any logic or reasoning can be properly absorbed.

Clarify the Standard Without Threat

Replace any vague expectations with one clear and reachable target. For example: ‘The only non-negotiable is that you attend your swimming lesson on Tuesdays. If something is feeling too much, you can tell me before it starts and we will problem-solve together, but skipping without telling me is not an option.’ When standards are presented in a firm but kind way, children do not feel the need to hide from them.

Use a ‘Repair Conversation’, Not a Lecture

Guide your child through a short, three-step repair process that helps to protect their dignity.

• Name what happened: ‘You skipped the art club today.’
• Name the reason: ‘You were afraid I would shout at you if you were late again.’
• Plan the fix: ‘Next time, you can text me before the club begins. Together, we will decide whether you go, arrive late, or skip with a plan to catch up.’

Keep your tone matter-of-fact. The aim is to build skills, not to deliver a punishment.

Build a Safety Plan for Next Time

Co-create a two-part plan with your child that can make their next decision easier.

• Signal: Agree on a phrase, such as ‘Red light’, that your child can say when they are feeling overwhelmed. Your response should be pre-agreed: ‘Thank you for telling me. Let us slow down and make a plan.’
• Options: Offer them two acceptable choices. For example: ‘You can join the first twenty minutes of football and observe the rest of the session, or you can attend the full session, but we will leave five minutes early.’

Choice helps to restore a sense of agency, and agency reduces the impulse to avoid.

Spiritual Insight

Your steady tone, your precise expectations, and your repair-over-fear approach can teach your child that problems can be solved without hiding. Over time, their habit of avoidance can begin to fade, because it is no longer needed as a tool to stay safe.

The Divine Command for Gentle Speech

This verse is a reminder that even when someone has clearly done wrong, Allah commands us to use gentleness in our words. If soft speech is required when addressing a tyrant, then our own children certainly deserve it when they stumble. For a child who has learned to expect shouting, your compassionate tone is a spiritual act.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Taaha (20), Verses 43–44:

‘Go forth to Pharaoh, as indeed, he has become delusional (with his powers and dictatorship).But speak to him (Pharaoh) in a polite manner, so that he may realise, or be in awe (of what you are relating to him).’

Mercy That Makes Obedience Easier

This hadith teaches us that gentleness is not a weakness; it is the beloved path of Allah that opens hearts and unlocks cooperation. When a child skips an activity to avoid being shouted at, their behaviour is a mirror that is reflecting the climate around them. If you can replace that fear with gentleness and a clear structure, you can invite your child to return to their responsibilities willingly.

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3689, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Indeed, Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all matters.’

You can close every repair with a short dua together: ‘O Allah, place calm in our home and truth on our tongues.’ Over time, your consistent gentleness can help to train your child’s heart to prefer the truth, while your firm boundaries teach them the importance of reliability.