How do I respond if my child sulks when they are not first every time? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child sulks because they are not chosen first, it can be disheartening for a parent. This behaviour, however, is often not about entitlement, but is an emotional response. The child is struggling with disappointment and has not yet developed the tools to manage it gracefully. Your role is not to eliminate their feelings, but to guide them through the experience, teaching them patience, resilience, and empathy one small moment at a time. 

Acknowledge the Feeling, Not the Behaviour 

Sulking is a form of non-verbal communication. It often says, ‘I feel left out,’ or ‘I do not know how to wait.’ You can begin by acknowledging their emotion without rewarding the sulk itself. You might say, ‘I can see you are upset because it is not your turn. That can feel difficult sometimes, can it not?’ Then, you can calmly add, ‘You will have your turn next. I know you can wait.’ By naming the feeling and reinforcing the rule in a steady tone, you are teaching emotional awareness while holding firm to the boundary. 

Remain Gentle but Firm 

It is easy to let guilt or frustration take over when a child is sulking, but giving in teaches them that this behaviour brings rewards. Instead, hold your ground kindly: ‘It is okay to feel sad, but the order is not going to change. I will be right here when you are ready to join in again.’ This message balances empathy with structure, a powerful combination for emotional growth. 

Give Space, Then Reconnect 

If the sulking continues, avoid turning it into a battle of wills. Allow the child to have a few quiet minutes to themselves. Once they have calmed down, you can gently reconnect with them: ‘I missed having you with us while we were playing. It is much more fun when you join in.’ This approach helps to restore their sense of belonging without any shame. Over time, your child will learn that withdrawing does not earn them control, but that connection does. 

Praise the Effort to Wait 

When your child manages to wait, even for a short moment, highlight it with warmth: ‘I noticed you waited for your turn today. That was very mature of you.’ Reinforcing the behaviour you want to see makes patience feel rewarding. The goal is not instant change, but a gradual strengthening of their emotional resilience. 

Build Empathy Through Conversation 

During calm moments, you can talk about fairness in a reflective way. You might say, ‘Sometimes you go first, and sometimes someone else does. That is how we keep things fair for everyone.’ Encouraging them to imagine how others might feel when they insist on being first helps to develop empathy, a skill that can replace self-centredness with understanding. 

Make Fairness Visible 

Create a clear, rotating system so your child knows their next turn is guaranteed. A visual chart or a written list can help children who struggle with fairness to trust that the system is real. Predictability soothes insecurity, which can reduce the tendency to sulk over time. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, humility, fairness, and patience are deeply valued. Learning to wait one’s turn is not just social training; it is a form of spiritual refinement. When a child feels at peace with not being first, they are practising sabr (patience) and adl (fairness), two qualities that Allah Almighty loves. As a parent, responding calmly to their sulking is an act of mercy that mirrors divine gentleness. 

The Quranic View on Humility 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Qasas (28), Verse 83: 

‘The abode of the Hereafter – We (Allah Almighty) have made it for those people who do not desire greatness in worldly status in their life on Earth, nor do they spread (immoral) anarchy; and the Hereafter is a (reward) for the virtuous.’ 

This verse reminds us that seeking superiority over others, even in small matters, can distance us from true contentment. By helping your child to accept not being first, you are guiding them toward humility, teaching them that true dignity lies in fairness and good character, not in position. 

The Prophetic Definition of Strength 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2609, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who can wrestle, but the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry.’ 

This teaches us that true strength lies in self-control, not in dominance. When your child learns to manage their disappointment without sulking, they are practising a real and noble form of strength, the kind that brings honour in the sight of Allah Almighty. 

Each moment you remain calm and steady in the face of your child’s sulking is a quiet act of teaching. You are helping them to develop the emotional resilience to face life’s small frustrations without breaking down. Through your patience, they will come to realise that fairness feels better than favouritism, and that the love in your home does not depend on who leads, but on who learns to share the space with kindness.