How do I recognise when punishment harms trust between me and my child? 

Parenting Perspective 

Trust is fundamental to a healthy parent-child relationship. When punishment is applied too frequently or harshly, it can begin to erode this trust, fostering fear and resentment instead. Your child’s perception may shift from seeing you as a source of support and guidance to viewing you as an authority figure to be feared or avoided. This erosion of trust often manifests as emotional withdrawal, defensiveness, or even hostility. 

Your child’s response to punishment is a crucial indicator of its impact on your relationship. If a punishment leads to a child becoming more secretive, anxious, or withdrawn, these are signs that trust is being damaged. Children should feel safe enough to express themselves freely, but if they fear retribution every time, they make a mistake, they may begin to hide their actions from you, leading to a breakdown in communication. 

Furthermore, persistent misbehaviour despite punishment can signal that your child is no longer motivated by the consequences and is instead beginning to feel hopeless or disconnected from you. If your child starts resisting authority, challenging your decisions, or showing emotional detachment, these may be signs that they no longer trust that you have their best interests at heart. 

Recognising the Signs of Damaged Trust 

• Increased defensiveness: Your child becomes more argumentative or distant when confronted about their actions. 

• Emotional withdrawal: Instead of discussing mistakes openly, your child avoids conversations or becomes emotionally numb. 

• Resistance to authority: The child regularly challenges rules, tests boundaries, or engages in defiant behaviour without remorse. 

• Failure to communicate openly: The child may lie, hide actions, or act secretively because they fear punishment rather than learning from mistakes. 

How to Rebuild Trust 

If you recognise these signs, it is vital to take steps to restore trust between you and your child. This can include offering consistent empathy, listening to their perspective, and moving away from punitive measures toward more constructive approaches. Trust is built when your child feels understood and respected, not merely controlled. By incorporating positive reinforcement, open communication, and a calm approach to mistakes, you can begin to rebuild a secure foundation of trust. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that relationships should be grounded in mercy, understanding, and patience. Punishment, when used excessively, can undermine the trust that is critical in the parent-child bond. The principle of mercy is at the heart of how Allah Almighty guides us to nurture those in our care, encouraging us to act with kindness rather than harshness. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Aa’raaf (7), Verses 199: 

‘(O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) adopt a forgiving approach, and encourage (the doing of) positive (moral) actions, and disregard those who are imbued in their ignorance.’ 

This verse encourages parents to approach their children’s mistakes with understanding, forgiving them and guiding them with wisdom rather than resorting to harsh punishment. By modelling mercy, parents can strengthen their child’s trust, helping them know that they are safe in their care and that their mistakes are opportunities for learning, not shame. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6013, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully.’ 

This hadith highlights the importance of mercy in all interactions, especially with children. It reminds parents that the way they treat their children reflects on how they will be treated by others and, ultimately, by Allah Almighty. If trust has been harmed through excessive punishment, turning to mercy, forgiveness, and empathy will allow parents to rebuild their relationship in a way that aligns with Islamic values of compassion and respect.