How do I rebuild trust after undermining each other’s choices? 

Parenting Perspective 

The act of undermining your spouse’s parenting, whether it is by correcting them in front of your child, reversing one of their decisions, or making a dismissive comment, is something that can weaken the trust between you and leave your child feeling confused. Rebuilding that trust requires humility, consistency, and an intentional effort to restore your sense of unity. It is not enough to simply stop the act of undermining; you must also actively work to repair your sense of partnership. 

Acknowledge the Hurt 

You can begin by admitting what has happened by saying, ‘I realise now that I undercut your decision earlier, and I am sincerely sorry for that.’ Owning your mistakes without making excuses is the first and most important step towards rebuilding your spouse’s confidence in you. 

Agree on a ‘Private-First’ Rule 

Make it a firm habit to discuss any parenting disagreements you may have in private, not in front of your child. This helps to ensure that both of you feel respected, and it prevents your decisions from being weakened in public. 

Consistently Back Each Other’s Authority 

Even if you may internally disagree with a choice your spouse has made, it is important to support them in front of your child. Saying, ‘You need to listen to Mummy’s rule,’ or, ‘Please follow Daddy’s instruction,’ demonstrates a steady and consistent support that will help to rebuild your mutual trust. 

Reaffirm Your Shared Goals 

Take the time to remind each other that you both want the same positive outcome, which is the well-being of your child. Saying this out loud can help to shift the focus away from a feeling of pride and back towards a sense of partnership. 

Celebrate Small Wins Together 

Notice and appreciate the moments when your spouse makes a wise or compassionate parenting choice. You can highlight these moments both privately and sometimes in front of your child, so that they begin to feel trusted and valued by you again. 

The process of rebuilding trust is a gradual one, but a commitment to showing steady respect and consistent support will make it clear that you are dedicated to being a united team. 

Spiritual Insight 

Mending Relationships with Justice and Humility 

Islam emphasises the importance of mending our relationships and protecting the unity within our families. When mistakes have occurred, the path forward is not to be found in blame, but in a sincere effort to repair our bonds with a sense of justice, humility, and kindness. 

The Command to Turn Back to Unity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anfaal (8), Verses 1: 

‘“…So, seek piety from Allah (Almighty), and correct all matters (in the relationships) between yourselves; and obey Allah (Almighty) and His Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ), if you are true believers”.’ 

This verse reminds us that the act of repairing our relationships is an act of faith and is a part of our obedience to Allah. 

The Danger of Causing Harm Through Words 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 41, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A Muslim is one from whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe.’ 

This hadith teaches us that causing harm with our words, which includes undermining a spouse and weakening their trust, is not the way of a true believer. By seeking forgiveness, supporting each other’s authority, and committing to resolving your differences in private, you are reflecting the Quranic call to amend and repair your relationships. This will not only restore the trust between you as parents, but will also reassure your child that your love and your unity will always remain stronger than your mistakes.