How do I read anger that comes out as teasing or rough play? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child’s anger surfaces as teasing or overly rough play, it can leave parents feeling confused and unsure of how to respond. What might seem like simple mischief can often conceal deeper feelings of frustration, jealousy, or hurt. Recognising this distinction is key to transforming these moments from sources of conflict into opportunities for connection. 

The Mask of Playful Aggression 

Unlike adults, children rarely express their anger with words. Instead, they often channel strong emotions through their behaviour. A child might shove a sibling, tease relentlessly, or ‘accidentally’ break a toy. Although it may look like they are just playing, the intensity often gives the underlying emotion away. Their laughter might seem tight, their tone sharp, or their movements just a little too forceful. 

This is not mere naughtiness; it is a signal that they feel overwhelmed and are trying to regain a sense of control. Their body is acting out what their mind cannot yet verbalise: ‘I am upset, and I need help managing this feeling.’ 

Spotting the Emotional Clues 

To distinguish between boisterous play and an emotional struggle, it helps to observe closely. 

• Intensity: Does the play escalate very quickly? Sudden roughness or a refusal to stop, even amidst laughter, often hints at anger beneath the surface. 

• Facial expression: Look for a clenched jaw, narrowed eyes, or a forced smile, as physical tension frequently reveals internal agitation. 

• Tone of voice: A teasing remark with a cutting edge or mockery that is intended to hurt feelings can signal displaced frustration. 

• Aftermath: If the child seems remorseful or restless afterwards, the behaviour was likely driven by emotion rather than simple mischief. 

Once you notice these patterns, you can shift your mindset from punishment to understanding. The goal is not to suppress the behaviour but to guide the emotion behind it. 

Responding Without Escalating 

Confronting a child in the heat of the moment rarely works. Instead, it is more effective to remain calm and grounded. You could try gently naming the emotion: 

‘That sounded like there was more anger than fun in your voice. Did something upset you today?’ 

By naming the feeling, you help your child connect their behaviour to their emotion, which is a crucial life skill. If they deny it, do not push. Simply pause the play, sit beside them, and wait. Silence and a calm presence can often draw out what words cannot. If the anger becomes physical, intervene calmly without shaming them: 

‘I cannot let you hurt anyone. Let us take a moment to breathe together.’ 

Your composed tone helps them borrow your sense of regulation until they can find their own. 

Teaching Healthier Outlets 

Anger itself is not wrong; it is an energy that needs direction. You can guide your child to express it in safer ways: 

• Encourage physical movement, such as running, jumping, or hitting a pillow, to release tension. 

• Offer creative forms of expression, like drawing or storytelling, to help them symbolise what they feel. 

• Use language coaching to teach them phrases like, ‘I feel angry when…’ or ‘I need some space.’ 

Through consistent and patient responses, you teach your child that anger is a manageable feeling, not something to be feared or ashamed of. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, emotions like anger are not condemned but are seen as something to be refined. The goal is not suppression but transformation, which is learning to channel feelings through mercy and awareness. A parent who sees the anger beneath the play is mirroring this prophetic wisdom, looking beyond the behaviour to the heart’s struggle. 

Controlling Emotion with Wisdom 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 37: 

‘And those people that avoid the major sins and immoralities, and when they become angry, they are readily forgiving.’ 

This verse reminds us that true emotional strength lies in restraint and understanding. Anger is a test of self-control for both the parent and the child. When you meet your child’s roughness with calm rather than retaliation, you are embodying forgiveness in action and teaching them what emotional mastery looks like. 

The Prophetic Example of Calmness 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4782, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘When one of you becomes angry while standing, let him sit down; if the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise, let him lie down.’ 

This prophetic advice offers a deeply practical method for de-escalating anger, not through confrontation but through physical calmness. It reinforces the importance of helping a child pause and regulate their body before addressing their behaviour. Your gentleness during these rough moments becomes their model for future self-regulation, showing them that strength and softness can coexist. 

When you recognise anger disguised as teasing, you begin to see your child not as difficult but as struggling, a young heart wrestling with feelings too big to hold alone. By responding with empathy, you help them name and navigate their emotions safely. Over time, they will learn that love can contain their anger and that expressing their feelings does not destroy connection but strengthens it. 

This is where spiritual and emotional guidance intertwine. Your awareness, grounded in faith and gentleness, teaches your child that their emotions, even the fiery ones, can exist within the light of Allah Almighty’s mercy, where understanding transforms turmoil into growth.