Parenting Perspective 

Children in mixed or extended family settings can sometimes feel a great deal of pressure to ‘choose a side’. They may begin to worry that showing affection for one side of the family is somehow a betrayal of the other. These kinds of loyalty conflicts can weigh very heavily on a child’s emotional security. As a parent, your role is to reassure your child that love is not a competition, and that it is perfectly safe for them to feel a sense of belonging to both of their families. 

Speak Positively About Both Sides of the Family 

Even if some tensions may exist between the adults, it is important to avoid criticising your relatives in front of your child. You can say, ‘You are so blessed to have so many different people in your life who care about you.’ This helps to prevent your child from internalising a sense of division. 

Model Unity with Your Spouse 

You can show your child through your words and your actions that both of you respect each other’s families. This sense of unity at the parental level is what will shield your child from feeling as though they are being torn between the two sides. 

Give Them Permission to Love Freely 

You can explicitly tell your child, ‘It is absolutely okay for you to enjoy your time with both sides of the family. Loving your grandparents on this side does not take away any of your love for your grandparents on the other side.’ Giving them this freedom can help to relieve any feelings of guilt. 

Create Your Own Shared Family Rituals 

You can establish your own unique family traditions that include contributions from both of your families, for example by combining the food from one culture with the stories from another. These kinds of shared practices help to foster a sense of pride, instead of a sense of conflict. 

Reassure Them Often 

Children may silently worry about upsetting one side of the family or the other. It is important to repeat your reassurance often by saying, ‘You never have to choose between our families. You are loved by everyone, and that love only multiplies.’ 

Protecting your child from these loyalty conflicts means teaching them that the love in their family is abundant, not limited, and that they do not need to take on the role of being a peacemaker. 

Spiritual Insight 

Kinship as a Mercy from Allah 

Islam teaches that kinship is a mercy from Allah and that maintaining our family ties is a duty, not a rivalry. It is the role of parents to frame these relationships in a way that nurtures love, not competition. 

The Command to Maintain the Ties of Kinship 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Muhammad (47), Verses 22–23: 

‘Then if by any chance you (O hypocrites) were given authority (to govern); you would cause (immoral) anarchy on the Earth and sever your ties of association (focused only on self-interest). These are the people who have earned the curse of Allah (Almighty); then they become deaf (to the voice of reason), and their vision is blinded (by self-obsession).’ 

This verse reminds us that the act of breaking our family ties is something that is deeply blameworthy in the sight of Allah, and that a sense of harmony is a sign of our faith. 

Family Love as Expansive, Not Exclusive 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 322, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does so because he gets recompensed. Rather, the one who truly keeps good relations is he who continues even when others cut him off.’ 

This hadith teaches that the love within our families should remain generous and expansive, even during times of difficulty. By showing your child that their family ties are expansive, and that their loyalty to one side does not diminish their love for the other, you can protect them from painful and unnecessary conflicts. Instead, they can grow up with the healthy understanding that Allah has blessed them with two extended circles of care, both of which are a part of their identity and their security.