How do I praise the process (“you paused”) not just the outcome? 

Parenting Perspective 

When we praise only the final result of a child’s efforts, we risk teaching them that their success matters more than their growth. However, when we are able to highlight how they got there, the thinking, the pausing, the choosing, and the effort, we are helping them to build resilience, a capacity for reflection, and a genuine self-belief. ‘Process praise’ is what helps to transform good moments into repeatable habits. It communicates to a child that their own effort, not their luck, is what created the feeling of calm. 

Shift the Focus from the Outcome to the Effort 

Instead of spotlighting what has happened, you can point to the inner skill that your child has used. For example, instead of the outcome-focused praise, ‘You did not argue!’, you could offer the process-focused praise, ‘You took a deep breath before you answered me. That was a moment of real self-control.’ The second version helps to remind them of how they were able to achieve that sense of calm, and it reinforces the mental steps that are worth repeating. 

Use a ‘Noticing Voice’, Not a ‘Judging Voice’ 

Children are more likely to tune in to your praise when it feels like an observation, not an evaluation. 

• ‘I noticed that you stopped and thought for a moment before you spoke.’ 

• ‘You looked frustrated, but you chose to take a breath first.’ 

• ‘You kept trying, even when it was hard. That took a lot of patience.’ 

This ‘noticing voice’ communicates a sense of respect. It shows your child that you are alongside them in their journey, not grading them on their performance. 

Praise the Small Steps, Not Just the Big Victories 

The skill of self-control is built in a series of micro-moments: the one-second pause, the softer tone of voice, or the decision to walk away from a conflict. When you are able to acknowledge these small moments, your child can begin to see their own progress, even when their day has felt messy or difficult. ‘You caught yourself halfway through that reaction. That is a sign of progress,’ or ‘You tried again after you had become upset. That is what real strength looks like.’ 

Link Your Praise to Their Emotional Awareness 

When you notice a particular process, you can help your child to connect it to how it made them feel: ‘You stayed calm in that situation, and I could see that you felt proud of yourself afterwards,’ or ‘You paused before you reacted. How did that feel inside?’ This helps to build their emotional literacy, as they learn to link the feeling of self-control with a sense of inner peace, not just with an external reward. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam encourages the quality of ihsan, a state of excellence that is achieved through sincerity and effort, not just through outcomes. Allah Almighty values our intention, our patience, and our struggle to do good, even when the results of our efforts are unseen. Praising your child’s process mirrors this divine perspective; you are honouring their intention and their discipline, the unseen virtues that lie behind their visible behaviour. 

The Divine Reward for Sincere Effort, Not Only the Result 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ankaboot (29), Verse 69: 

‘ And those people that endeavour (to please) Us (Allah Almighty); so, We (Allah Almighty) shall indeed, guide them (to those pathways) that lead to Us; and indeed, Allah (Almighty) is with those who are benevolent (in their actions).‘ 

This verse reminds us that the act of striving, the process itself, is what draws divine guidance towards us. When you praise your child’s effort, you are echoing this beautiful truth that a sincere striving is, in itself, a form of success, regardless of the final outcome. 

The Importance of Sincerity Over Performance 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah does not look at your appearance or your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.’ 

This hadith teaches us that true value lies in our intention and in our process, in the state of the heart that lies behind the act. When you notice your child’s patience, their pause, or their persistence, you are aligning your praise with what Allah Almighty values the most: the sincerity of our efforts. This small distinction in the way you offer your praise can help to transform it from a mere search for external approval into a source of genuine inner motivation.