How do I manage sibling comparisons over freedoms? 

Parenting Perspective 

When one child asks, “Why does she get to stay up later?” or “Why cannot I do what he does?” it can quickly ignite tension that transforms fairness into frustration. Sibling comparisons are an almost inevitable part of growing up, as children naturally reach different stages of maturity at different times. What matters most is how you choose to respond not defensively, but with calm consistency that clearly teaches each child that fairness is not sameness. True fairness means giving each child precisely what they are ready for, not merely what another sibling receives. 

Understanding What is Beneath the Comparison 

Comparisons between siblings rarely stem from jealousy alone. More often, they arise from insecurity the underlying fear of being valued less, trusted less, or noticed less than their sibling. Before you explain your reasoning, you must meet that core emotion with empathy: ‘I can see it feels unfair right now that your sister has more freedom. It is completely okay to feel that way; it is difficult to wait for something you truly want.’ 

This validation successfully diffuses defensiveness and helps your child feel genuinely understood before you proceed to set or uphold boundaries. 

Step 1: Define Fairness Clearly 

Children often confuse the concept of fairness with strict equality. Teach them the crucial difference gently: ‘Fairness does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing. It means everyone gets precisely what is right for them.’ 

Use simple analogies that they can visualise: ‘If one of you requires glasses to see clearly, it would not be fair for everyone in the family to wear them. The same principle applies to freedoms you each receive what perfectly suits your current age and sense of responsibility.’ This approach turns the idea of fairness from a constant battle for sameness into an accepted principle of wisdom. 

Step 2: Explain Readiness With Respect 

When a younger child envies an older sibling’s privilege, connect that privilege directly to readiness, not favouritism: ‘Your brother has shown he can handle more independence because he is older and has diligently practised certain responsibilities. You shall certainly get there too when you are ready; I shall help you prepare for it.’ 

Conversely, when the older child feels restricted compared to a younger sibling, clarify the context, not the comparison: ‘Your sister’s rule is different because her specific situation is different it is not because you are being treated unfairly.’ Always link privileges to demonstrable responsibility and accountability, not age alone. 

Step 3: Avoid Using One Child as an Example 

Even well-intentioned praise can inadvertently trigger comparison and rivalry. Avoid making statements such as, “Look how well your sister manages her time!” Instead, focus solely on individual effort: ‘I noticed you tried really hard to manage your bedtime responsibly today. That is excellent progress.’ 

Individualised praise reinforces personal identity and significantly reduces rivalry. Each child should feel valued and evaluated based on their own growth, not according to someone else’s benchmark. 

Step 4: Offer Personal Goals for Each Child 

Turn comparison into positive motivation. If one child envies another’s privilege, give them a clear, personal growth plan: ‘When you can show me you are consistently responsible with your screen time, you shall be ready for more independence, just like your brother.’ 

This approach transforms envy into direction. It helps children clearly see that freedom is not arbitrary; it is meticulously earned through consistency and trust. 

Step 5: Foster Family Conversations About Trust 

Hold occasional family meetings where you discuss the concept of responsibility, not rivalry. Ask open-ended questions like: ‘What actions do you think show that someone is truly ready for more independence?’ Hearing your expectations explained to both children simultaneously promotes transparency and prevents assumptions of parental bias. It also teaches siblings to openly celebrate one another’s progress rather than constantly competing for it. 

Step 6: Reinforce Connection Through Joint Privileges 

Balance individual rules with shared family moments. For example, even if one child stays up later, both can participate in a shared family activity earlier in the evening. When siblings experience fairness through togetherness, they are far less likely to interpret differences in rules as personal rejection. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that fairness (‘adl) is considered one of the highest moral virtues, yet it has never meant identical treatment. Even the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ recognised differences in people’s capacities, circumstances, and readiness guiding each companion according to their individual state. Teaching your children that justice is tailored care reflects this profound prophetic wisdom. 

Divine Fairness and Individual Measure in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al An’aam (6), Verses 165: 

‘And He (Allah Almighty) is the One Who designated you as the successors of the Earth; and He (Allah Almighty) elevated (the responsibilities) of some of you over others, according to your station (in life), so that He (Allah Almighty) May test you with what He has bestowed upon you…’ 

This verse reminds us that differences in ability, opportunity, and responsibility are entirely purposeful a means of growth, not division. Explaining to your children that Allah Almighty gives each person unique strengths and timing helps them understand why family rules can, and should, differ too. 

Justice and Compassion in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Bulugh Al Maram, Hadith 184, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This Hadith firmly guides parents to treat children with equity not necessarily simple equality ensuring fairness through compassion, wisdom, and sincerity. Explaining decisions with transparency and genuine love aligns your parenting approach with this essential prophetic balance. 

When you handle sibling comparisons with calm confidence, you teach your children a timeless truth: that fairness is deeply rooted in wisdom, not uniformity. Your explanations, empathy, and consistency show them clearly that different boundaries do not equate to different levels of love. Over time, they will come to see that being treated fairly does not mean being treated the same it means being guided and cared for according to who they are, what they truly need, and how they are individually growing. And spiritually, they will come to see that just as Allah Almighty gives each person what precisely suits their path, a parent’s fairness grounded in love and clear understanding is one of the clearest reflections of divine mercy within the home.