How do I maintain my patience when my child throws a pencil after hearing ‘no’? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child throws a pencil after you have said ‘no’ to something they want, it can feel like a moment of open defiance. That sharp, sudden gesture may trigger your own irritation or anger. However, behind that action is rarely calculated disrespect; it is more often a burst of emotion that they do not yet know how to regulate. Your calmness in this moment does not excuse the behaviour, but it does teach control, empathy, and accountability. How you manage your patience here will shape how your child learns to handle their own frustration in the future. 

Understanding the Meaning Behind the Action 

For a child, throwing an object is often a way of releasing tension when their words fail them. Hearing ‘no’ can trigger a rush of frustration, and the physical act becomes an immediate outlet. It is typically a sign of emotional immaturity in managing big feelings, rather than an act of malice. Recognising this helps you to view their action as an overflow of emotion, not a personal attack. 

Grounding Yourself Before Responding 

Before you speak, it is crucial to pause. Acknowledge the feeling of anger that may be rising within you, and then breathe it out slowly. Remind yourself: my calm teaches far more than my anger ever could. The goal is not to punish them instantly, but to guide their behaviour through your own composure. When you model restraint, you show your child that strong emotions can be experienced without creating chaos. 

A Calm and Constructive Script 

When your child throws a pencil in frustration, respond with a tone that is both firm and gentle. 

• Address safety and the boundary first: ‘Throwing things is not safe. I cannot let you do that.’ 

• Acknowledge their emotion: ‘I know you are upset because you heard ‘no’. That is a difficult feeling to manage.’ 

• Guide them towards responsibility: ‘Let us pick up the pencil together. Then we can talk about what you can do next time you feel this angry.’ 

• Reaffirm your connection: ‘I still love you, even when you are angry. In our family, we handle our anger safely.’ 

This balance of empathy and firmness restores order without causing humiliation. You are showing your child that while their emotions are acceptable, harmful reactions are not. 

When the Anger Continues 

If your child continues to be upset, remain silent but present. Avoid lecturing them while their emotions are high. You can say calmly, ‘I will wait here until you are ready to talk.’ Then, you can resume a quiet activity of your own. Your steady presence communicates both safety and the firmness of the boundary. 

Reflection After the Moment 

Once the situation has settled, reconnect with them softly. You might say, ‘You were very angry earlier and threw your pencil. I understand that nobody likes hearing ‘no’, but throwing things can hurt people or break things. What could we do differently next time?’ Encourage them to suggest their own strategies, such as taking deep breaths or asking for a short pause. This helps to build their emotional vocabulary and self-regulation skills. 

Spiritual Insight 

Moments like this, though brief, are the hidden tests of a parent’s sabr (patience). Islam teaches that true strength lies in restraint, especially during moments of anger. When your child acts out and you choose calmness over fury, you are not just managing their behaviour; you are mirroring a prophetic mercy and the deep discipline of the heart. 

Strength Through Self-Control in the Quran 

The Quran teaches that true determination is found not in overpowering others, but in mastering oneself. Forbearance is a sign of immense inner strength. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 43: 

‘And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.’ 

When you hold back your anger and respond with calm correction, you embody this divine wisdom, showing your child that patience is a far greater victory than rage. 

The Prophet’s ﷺ Example of Restraint 

The act of controlling one’s anger for the sake of Allah is an act of worship that carries an immense reward. It transforms a moment of struggle into one of spiritual triumph. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4189, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘There is no gulp that brings greater reward with Allah than the gulp of anger that a servant swallows for the sake of Allah.’ 

Each time you swallow your frustration for Allah’s sake, especially with your child, you elevate the moment from a simple struggle to an act of worship. You are teaching that calmness is not weakness, but divine strength in action. 

When your child throws a pencil in frustration, your calmness becomes the lesson they will carry into every future conflict. You are showing them that control is not about silence or surrender, but about responding with grace and balance. 

Every time you hold your peace, you are helping to build a child who learns that boundaries can exist alongside love, and that patience is not passivity, but purpose. Over time, they will mirror your steadiness, because the calm you model today will become the calm they practise tomorrow.