Parenting Perspective 

It is very easy for a couple to fall into a subtle and unspoken competition when their childhoods were very different. One parent may quietly think, ‘My upbringing was stricter, so it must have been better,’ while the other feels, ‘My childhood was gentler, so it was clearly healthier.’ If this silent competition is left unaddressed, it can begin to breed resentment and can ultimately divide the home. The key is to shift your mindset away from the question of ‘whose way was superior?’ and towards the more constructive question of ‘how can both of our pasts best serve our child’s future?’ 

Acknowledge Your Differences Without Comparing Them 

Instead of weighing one of your backgrounds against the other, you can use language that affirms both. A phrase like, ‘Your childhood gave you a wonderful sense of patience, while mine gave me a good sense of structure. Both of those qualities are valuable,’ helps to turn your differences into something complementary, rather than a source of conflict. 

Replace Judgement with Curiosity 

You can ask your spouse what they loved or disliked about their own upbringing, not with the aim of measuring it against yours, but simply to understand them better as a person. An attitude of curiosity will always invite connection, while an attitude of judgement will only fuel competition. 

Create a Set of Shared Principles 

Take the time to write down a set of guiding principles for your own unique family, such as kindness, honesty, responsibility, and love. When you both commit to these shared values, the focus naturally shifts away from comparing your pasts and towards building a present that is aligned with your joint vision. 

Celebrate Each Other’s Strengths 

Verbally acknowledge the strengths that your spouse’s background brings to your family. For example, ‘Because of the way you grew up, you are so good at keeping calm in a crisis,’ or, ‘Your upbringing taught you a great deal of resilience, and our children really benefit from that.’ This helps to make your differences a point of gratitude, rather than a source of rivalry. 

By consciously replacing any silent competition with a spirit of respect and unity, you can prevent your child from feeling torn between you, and can instead give them a powerful model of teamwork. 

Spiritual Insight 

Humility and Honour in Family Life 

Islam teaches us that honouring one another, showing humility, and avoiding arrogance are all marks of a true and sincere faith. Competing over whose past was ‘better’ can lead to pride and division, while valuing each other’s unique experiences helps to build mercy and harmony in the home. 

The Command to Seek Unity Over Division 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’ 

This verse reminds us that our faith calls us to mend our differences and to actively seek mercy, not to fuel division. 

The Virtue of Patiently Engaging with Differences 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2507, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The believer who mixes with people and is patient with their harm has a greater reward than the one who does not mix with them and is not patient with their harm.’ 

This teaches us that patiently engaging with our differences is a far more rewarding path than withdrawing from each other or competing. When you can stop comparing your childhoods and instead see each of your backgrounds as being part of the wisdom of Allah, you show your children that the unity of your family matters more than any rivalry. They will grow up feeling secure, knowing that their parents’ differences are something that enriches their lives, rather than dividing them. This sense of harmony is a reflection of the prophetic model of mercy and cooperation that Islam calls every household to embrace.