How do I keep my patience when my child stomps and shouts after I decline something? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child stomps, shouts, or slams a door after being told ‘no’, it can stir a deep sense of frustration within a parent. You may feel disrespected or emotionally drained, especially if you are already tired. However, these moments are not a reflection of a failure in your parenting, but are in fact a training ground for your own patience and leadership. Your own calmness is the quiet force that can teach your child how to manage their strong feelings. 

Understanding the Behaviour Beneath the Noise 

When a child stomps or shouts, it is rarely an act of defiance for the sake of it. It is often a release of an emotion that is simply too big for them to contain. Children can use physical actions to express their inner tension because they still lack the more mature tools of communication. Recognising this does not have to excuse the behaviour, but it can help you to respond in a wise way, instead of in an emotional one. 

Managing Your Own Initial Reaction 

Before you are able to address your child’s behaviour, it is important that you first manage your own internal state. Taking a pause of just three seconds before you speak can be enough to turn a feeling of anger into one of awareness. You can ground yourself physically by taking a deep breath, dropping your shoulders, and consciously lowering your voice. These small actions can instantly reduce the tension in the room. This shifts your focus from a desire to win control over your child to an intention to nurture a sense of composure in them. 

Setting Clear Boundaries Without Anger 

Boundaries are an essential part of a healthy family life, but they do not have to be delivered with a shout. It is possible to be both firm and kind at the same time. You can say in a calm voice, ‘You are feeling angry because I have said no, but shouting is not the right way to express that. When you are ready to talk, I will be ready to listen.’ You can then step back and allow them some space. This communicates to your child that while their emotion is acceptable, their disrespect is not. This distinction can help them to develop their own self-control, while still feeling emotionally safe with you. 

Spiritual Insight 

Parenting can often test the very virtues that we pray for, such as patience, mercy, and self-control. When your child shouts or stomps in frustration, your own calm response becomes more than just an act of good parenting; it can become an act of worship. In that moment, you are choosing to prioritise sabr (patience) over your own ego, mercy over a pure reaction, and a sense of faith over a feeling of frustration. 

Responding with Forbearance as Taught in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Fussilat (41), Verse 34: 

‘And the good actions cannot be equivalent to the mistaken action; (therefore) repel (your mistaken action) with that which is a good action; so, when (you discover) that there is enmity between you and them, (your patience and resilience shall transform them) as if he was a devoted friend.’ 

This verse calls on us to respond to any form of negativity with a sense of our own goodness, a principle that can be deeply and profoundly applied to our parenting. When your child’s frustration is met with your own calmness, you are helping to transform a moment of conflict into one of connection. You are teaching them that a sense of patience has the power to dissolve a feeling of anger, and that a sense of kindness can soften even the hardest of moments. 

The Prophetic Example of Gentle Correction 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it defective.’ 

This hadith reminds us that a sense of gentleness has the power to enhance every situation, even those that are charged with a feeling of anger. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ always corrected the mistakes of others with a calm sense of dignity, and never with a sense of humiliation. When you are able to respond gently to your child’s shouting, you are reflecting this prophetic beauty in your own actions, showing them that our strength and our softness can and should coexist. 

When your child stomps or shouts, it is not a reflection of who they are, but of what they are still in the process of learning. Your own calmness in that moment can become their compass. It can help to guide them towards their own emotional maturity and can show them that a sense of respect is not something that is demanded through a feeling of fear, but is something that is inspired through a feeling of love. 

Each time that you are able to restrain yourself from reacting in a negative way, you are helping to train both of your hearts, yours and your child’s, in the art of patience. The noble Quran praises those who are able to ‘repel evil with what is better,’ and your own ability to do so within your home can help to shape not only your child’s outward behaviour, but also their own inner understanding of the qualities of compassion and of restraint. 

In time, your child will remember not the times that you said no to them, but the sense of peace in your tone when their own heart was saying yes to a feeling of anger. That memory is what will teach them, long after their childhood has passed, that patience and kindness are not signs of weakness, but are in fact the truest and most beautiful signs of both a deep inner strength and a sincere faith.