How do I keep encouragement steady when different carers use different systems? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child is looked after by different people, such as parents, grandparents, and teachers, they will likely encounter various approaches to praise and discipline. This can sometimes be confusing, making encouragement feel inconsistent or even unfair. Your goal is not to control every carer but to establish a reliable source of love and support for your child. Acknowledging that differences will exist helps you remain calm and prevents frustration from affecting your relationship with your child. 

Establishing a Core Family Standard 

You can create stability by establishing a clear family standard of encouragement that remains predictable, regardless of who is caring for your child. This could mean focusing on effort over outcome, valuing kindness as much as achievement, or using specific language that highlights growth. For example, when your child comes home with praise from school, you can frame it within your family’s values by saying, ‘I am so glad your teacher noticed how hard you tried; effort is what matters most in our home’. By consistently reinforcing the same principles, you build a steady foundation that your child can always return to. 

Reframing Conflicting Messages 

When another carer uses a different approach, such as offering more material rewards or stricter criticism, you can gently reframe it for your child. Instead of dismissing the other adult’s method, you could explain, ‘That is one way people show they are pleased, but in our family, we love to focus on the effort you put in’. This teaches children that different styles of communication exist in the world, but they can always rely on your consistent voice and steady values at home. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam reminds us that steadiness in our words and actions is what shapes a person’s heart and character. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Fussilat (41), Verse 30: 

‘Indeed, those people that say: “Allah (Almighty) is our Sustainer”; then they stand steadfast (on that belief), there shall descend on them the Angels (of Death proclaiming): “Do not fear and do not grieve; and celebrate with the news of Paradise, that which has been promised to you”.’ 

This verse highlights the incredible power of steadfastness. Just as faith requires consistency, effective parenting requires a reliable message that children can depend on, even when the words and actions of others around them differ. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 762, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most beloved of deeds to Allah are those done consistently, even if they are few.’ 

This Hadith reminds parents that small but steady acts of encouragement leave a much stronger and more positive mark than inconsistent or exaggerated responses. By holding firm to your own values in how you praise and guide your child, you provide the stability they need. Even if other carers have different methods, your child will internalise the consistency they see in you, which will become their anchor for growth and faith.