How do I keep calm when a simple task turns into a 20-minute argument? 

Parenting Perspective 

Parents often ask a child to do something simple, such as putting away their shoes or starting their homework, only for the request to spiral into a long and draining argument. Instead of taking one minute, the interaction stretches into twenty, filled with whining, complaints, and back-and-forth debates. By the end, the task is often still undone, and everyone is left feeling frustrated. This cycle depletes a parent’s energy and can inadvertently teach a child that delay and argument are more powerful than quiet cooperation. 

The challenge is to stay calm under pressure while also setting clear boundaries that prevent small issues from becoming long battles. Calmness in these moments is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. When a parent stays composed, they model emotional control and make it harder for the child to fuel the conflict. 

Step 1: Recognise the Trigger for the Argument 

Children often argue because they are seeking a sense of control. The act of arguing successfully delays the task and can give them a feeling of power in the situation. Understanding this can make it easier for you to respond without taking their behaviour personally. 

Step 2: Refuse to Fuel the Argument 

Keep your responses short, calm, and repetitive. For example: ‘I have heard what you said. The task still needs to be done.’ Repeating long explanations or engaging with every point they make usually just feeds the debate. A steady tone and very few words will prevent the situation from escalating. 

Step 3: Set a Clear and Calm Boundary 

Use simple cause and effect to make the situation clear. For example: ‘If your shoes are not put away in the next five minutes, then there will be no playtime until the job is done.’ The boundary must be enforced consistently and calmly, not shouted in a moment of anger. 

Step 4: Step Away to Disengage 

If the argument continues, you can calmly disengage from it. You could say: ‘I am not going to argue with you for twenty minutes. I will check back in five minutes, and the job must be done by then.’ Walking away shows that you will not be drawn into an endless negotiation. 

Step 5: Praise Quick Compliance 

When your child does finally complete the task, it is important to recognise their cooperation: ‘Thank you for putting your shoes away so quickly this time. That made everything much easier for the family.’ 

Step 6: Reflect Later, Not in the Heat of the Moment 

Afterwards, during a calm moment, you can explain: ‘When small tasks turn into long arguments, it wastes our time and energy. Next time, let’s just try to do the job quickly so that we have more time for fun things afterwards.’ 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘But why me? I did it yesterday! Why can he not do it?’ 

Parent: ‘I hear you, but the shoes still need to be put away. I will check again in five minutes.’ 

Child: ‘But that is not fair!’ 

Parent: ‘We can talk about what is fair later. For now, the shoes need to be put away.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches believers to restrain their anger, to practise patience, and to avoid wasting time in fruitless disputes. Even a small act of calmness in the face of frustration can be a part of our faith. Teaching a child that obedience without a long argument is a form of discipline helps them to grow in both respect and sincerity. 

The Virtue of Restraining Anger 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 134: 

‘Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

You can explain: ‘Allah loves it when we are able to control our feelings of anger. Staying calm, even when we are in an argument, is a way of earning His love.’ 

The Reward for Avoiding Pointless Disputes 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1993, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever gives up arguing while he is in the right, a house will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise.’ 

For a child, this means: ‘The Prophet ﷺ promised a great reward in Paradise for people who are able to leave off arguing. Imagine how much reward there must be when you stop arguing and simply do what has been asked of you.’ 

By modelling calmness and linking it to these principles of faith, you show your child that controlling their emotions is not a weakness, but is in fact a sign of true strength.