How do I help them spot when it is conflict, and when it is unkindness to step away from? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children can often assume that all arguments or hurt feelings mean the same thing, but they do not. Some moments are a part of a normal, healthy conflict, when two people simply see things differently and need to find a way to work it out. Other moments are instances of unkindness, when someone is repeatedly putting them down, excluding them, or making them feel small. Teaching your child how to tell the difference between these two situations is a powerful and important skill. It can help to protect their heart, to build their emotional intelligence, and to help them to form healthy friendships that are rooted in a sense of respect, rather than in a sense of fear. 

Explain the Difference Between Conflict and Unkindness 

It is helpful to start by guiding your child to define the two concepts in a clear way. You could explain the difference to them like this: 

• Conflict is when both people care about the issue and may become upset, but they still want things to be fair or to be made better between them. 

• Unkindness is when one person is hurting the other, either on purpose or repeatedly, without any real care for their feelings. 

Using some real-life examples can help your child to begin to recognise the patterns for themselves. 

Teach Them the Three Signs of a Healthy Conflict 

• Both people want to fix it. They may be feeling upset, but both of them still care about making peace. 

• It is a specific and short-lived issue. The argument is about one particular thing, not a constant pattern of negative behaviour. 

• A sense of respect remains. No one in the argument is mocking, excluding, or trying to humiliate the other person. 

You can explain to your child that these are the signs of a healthy disagreement, one that can be worked through with calm words and with a willingness to listen. 

Teach Them the Three Signs of Unkindness 

• It happens again and again. Even after they have been asked to stop, the negative behaviour continues. 

• The other person seems to enjoy or to ignore your child’s discomfort. 

• It feels very one-sided. Your child is always the one who is apologising or trying to make things right. 

If these signs begin to appear, your child should know that this is not a friendship that they need to try to fix, but a situation where they need to set a boundary. You could say to them, ‘If a person is continuing to make you feel small or scared, it is not your job to keep trying with them. It is your job to protect your own heart.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, believers are encouraged to make peace with one another whenever it is possible, but also to guard their own sense of dignity. A conflict that is resolved with a sense of kindness can bring a great reward from Allah, yet a situation of persistent harm or humiliation should not be endured. Teaching your child how to find this balance can help them to embody the quality of hikmah (wisdom), of knowing when to remain gentle and when to step away with a sense of grace. 

Seeking Peace Without Sacrificing Our Dignity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’ 

This verse encourages the act of reconciliation whenever there is a genuine disagreement between people, a form of conflict that can be healed. Your child can learn from this that striving for peace is a good and noble deed when both hearts are willing to participate in the process. 

The Prophetic Teaching on Strength and Setting Boundaries 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2998, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A believer does not allow himself to be stung twice from the same hole.’ 

This hadith beautifully teaches that as believers, we should be willing to forgive, but we should also be able to learn from our experiences. For your child, this means that if someone is continuing to hurt them, even after they have been given a chance to make peace, it is a wise choice, not a wrong one, for them to kindly step away. 

Helping your child to distinguish between a moment of conflict and a pattern of unkindness can give them a sense of emotional clarity and of moral confidence. They can learn that not every difficult moment means that a friendship is over, as some things just need to be talked through. They can also learn that a true sense of kindness should never require them to shrink themselves. 

Your own steady guidance can help them to see that real friends will always value a sense of fairness, not a sense of fear. By learning when to stay and when to step back, your child is able to build both their empathy and their strength, the very balance that helps to define a good character. 

Spiritually, this wisdom is a reflection of the balance of Islam itself: to seek for peace wherever a heart is open to it, and to walk away from any form of harm with our own sense of dignity still intact. When your child is able to learn this balance at an early age, they will be able to carry it with them for the rest of their lives, standing firm in their kindness, with a clear conscience and a safe heart.