How do I help them express a preference for teams or partners without being harsh or exclusionary? 

Parenting Perspective 

The process of choosing teams or partners for a game can easily slide from a simple preference into a public put-down. A child might blurt out, ‘Not you!’ or, ‘I only want the good players on my team,’ instantly turning a simple choice into a hurtful public rejection. The aim is to give children the language and routines they need to express an honest preference while protecting the dignity of everyone involved. With scripts, structure, and practice, children can learn that they can choose partners honestly and still leave everyone’s self-respect intact. 

Teach the Core Value: Choice with Care 

Begin by establishing a clear principle: ‘It is okay to have preferences for who you play with. It is not okay to hurt people’s feelings when you share those preferences.’ Explain that using absolute or critical words like ‘never’ or ‘you are bad at this’ makes others feel unwanted and defensive. 

Provide Scripts for Stating Preferences Kindly 

Offer your child exact sentences that state a preference without labelling another person. 

• ‘I would like to team up with Aisha for this round. Can we make sure we rotate next time?’ 

• ‘I am practising passing with Hamza today. I can partner with you for the next game.’ 

• ‘For this particular challenge, I think I need a quiet partner. Can we pair up for the next activity?’ 

These phrases work well because they often give a reason related to the task, include a plan for future inclusion, and avoid making a judgment about the other child’s ability or personality. 

Use a Fair System for Rotation 

Remove the emotional pressure of the moment by agreeing on a routine before the choices are made. A simple draft plan can make the process feel fair and predictable. 

• List all the names of the children playing. 

• Choose team captains for the first game, and then agree to rotate the role. 

• Make a rule that the first pick alternates with each round. 

When the structure is predictable, children are less likely to rely on hurtful, spur-of-the-moment comments. 

Teach ‘Repair’ Lines for When They Make a Mistake 

Children will inevitably slip up and say something sharp. Equip them with quick phrases that can restore dignity to the person they have hurt. 

• ‘That came out unkindly. I meant to say that I am teaming with Aisha this round, and I would be happy to rotate next time.’ 

• ‘I am sorry, that sounded harsh. I am choosing a partner for this specific task; I am not saying I never want to play with you.’ 

Set a Clear Rule for Inclusion 

Create a simple family or group rule: ‘There are no public put-downs, and we do not name people as the “last choice”.’ If you notice someone is consistently being left out, you can step in as a facilitator. You might add a rule where the person chosen last in one round must be given the first choice in the next. 

Spiritual Insight 

Cooperation Is a Command, Not a Convenience 

Islam directs believers to work together in ways that protect each other’s hearts and are aimed towards goodness. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verses 2: 

‘…And participate with each other to promote righteousness and piety, and do not collaborate in the committal of any sin or moral transgression…’ 

This verse reminds us that choosing a team is not just about winning; it is about choosing words and methods that build righteousness, not aggression. A kind rotation plan and respectful phrasing are practical forms of ‘cooperation in piety’ because they keep every person’s heart safe while the group works towards a shared goal. 

Uphold the One Left Out, and Gently Stop the Harm 

The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that we should support our brother or sister in faith, whether they are doing wrong or being wronged, by stopping the wrongdoing and lifting up the one who has been harmed. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, 2444, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or is oppressed.’ 

This hadith provides a practical balance for team choices. If a child speaks sharply or excludes someone harshly, you are helping the ‘oppressor’ by guiding them to stop their hurtful words and use a kinder script. You are helping the ‘oppressed’ by ensuring they are included through a fair system and by affirming their value. You can say to your children: ‘In our family, we help both sides. We correct the words that hurt, and we protect the one who feels left out.’ 

By weaving the Quranic command to cooperate with the Prophetic duty to prevent harm, children learn that an honest preference must always exist alongside compassion.