How do I help them congratulate a friend without adding a backhanded joke? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often find it difficult to give a compliment without attaching a small, teasing jab. They might say, ‘Good job… finally!’ or ‘Wow, you actually did it!’ These backhanded compliments usually stem from a mixture of excitement and immaturity, or sometimes from a feeling of insecurity that is masked by awkward humour. This can chip away at friendships by teaching children that teasing is an acceptable part of what should be an uplifting moment. The goal is to help them learn to celebrate others sincerely, managing the impulse to use cutting humour as a social crutch. 

Explain How Backhanded Compliments Can Hurt 

Start by explaining the impact of their words: ‘When you add a joke after congratulating someone, it can make them feel that you do not really mean it. It takes away from their happy moment and can even feel embarrassing.’ This helps your child understand that such words do not build people up, but can actually tear them down. 

Teach Simple and Sincere Phrases 

Give your child straightforward scripts they can use that are clear, kind, and complete on their own. 

• ‘Well done! I am so happy for you.’ 

• ‘That is amazing. You must have worked really hard for that.’ 

• ‘Congratulations, you really deserve it.’ 

These phrases remove the temptation to add a negative or teasing twist. 

Offer Kinder Ways to Incorporate Humour 

Since children often use jokes to connect, you do not need to ban humour entirely. Instead, show them how it can be used in a supportive rather than a cutting way. 

• Backhanded: ‘Congratulations! About time you won!’ 

• Kinder humour: ‘Congratulations! Now you will have to teach me how you did that!’ 

This redirects the humour in a way that keeps the focus positive and celebratory. 

Teach Them a Simple ‘Pause’ Strategy 

Sometimes, a backhanded comment slips out because a child speaks without thinking. Teach them to take a two-second pause after saying ‘congratulations.’ This brief moment allows their brain to catch up with their mouth and stop before an unnecessary jab is added. 

Practise Sincerity Through Role-Play 

Role-play different scenarios where your child might congratulate a friend or sibling. If they add a teasing remark, gently pause them and say: ‘That soured the happy moment. Let us try it again with just the encouraging part.’ Allowing them to repeat the phrase correctly helps to build a new, more positive habit. When you see them give a clean, sincere compliment in real life, be sure to praise them for it later. 

Spiritual Insight 

Uplifting Words Are an Act of Worship 

Islam teaches us to use words that spread love, respect, and encouragement, especially when celebrating another person’s good fortune. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them; and let not the women (ridicule) other women, as perhaps they may be better than them; and do not insult each other; and do not call each other by (offensive) nicknames…’ 

This verse clearly warns against all forms of ridicule and insults, even those that are hidden in humour. A parent can explain: ‘When you say congratulations with pure kindness, you are following Allah’s command to uplift others. But when you add a joke that cuts them down, it can turn into the kind of ridicule that Allah forbids.’ 

The Prophet’s ﷺTeaching on Loving for Others 

The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that true faith is inseparable from having a sincere sense of joy for the successes of others. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, 45, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’ 

This beautiful hadith teaches children that congratulating others sincerely, without any hint of jealousy or sarcasm, is a reflection of their faith. A parent can say: ‘If you love the feeling of being congratulated warmly, then you should want to give that same pure joy to your friends. That shows both kindness and true belief.’ 

By grounding this practice in faith, children learn that genuine celebration is not just a polite social skill but a deeply spiritual one. They will discover that congratulating others with a clean heart strengthens their friendships, spreads love, and earns a great reward from Allah Almighty.