How do I help my child give specific compliments that feel real? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often give generic compliments like, ‘Nice!’ or ‘Good job!’, because they have not yet learned how to observe and articulate specific details. While generic praise can feel empty, a specific compliment can strengthen bonds, encourage effort, and make another person feel genuinely seen and appreciated. Teaching a child to give specific compliments involves showing them how to observe closely, choose their words carefully, and practise until it becomes a natural habit. 

Teach Them to Observe First 

Explain to your child that a meaningful compliment begins with careful observation. You can guide them by saying: ‘First, look closely at what the person did, wore, or said. What is one detail that stands out to you?’ For example, instead of just saying, ‘Your picture is pretty,’ they could learn to say, ‘I really like how you used such bright and happy colours in your picture.’ 

Provide a Simple Formula 

Give your child a simple structure they can easily remember and adapt. The formula is: ‘I like/noticed how you… [add a specific action or detail].’ 

• ‘I like how you passed the ball to everyone during the game.’ 

• ‘I liked the joke you told earlier. It really made me laugh.’ 

• ‘I noticed how hard you worked on that project. It looks fantastic.’ 

Model Specificity in Your Own Praise 

Children naturally absorb the patterns of language they hear around them. Make a conscious effort to replace general praise with specific observations in your own daily interactions. For example, instead of saying, ‘Good work,’ you could say, ‘I saw you keep trying even when that puzzle was tricky. That showed great patience.’ This teaches them what a real compliment sounds like. 

Practise Through Gentle Role-Play 

Turn the learning process into a light-hearted game. You could pretend to be a classmate showing them a drawing and then ask, ‘What is one specific thing you could say about this?’ Guide them until they find a detail. Swapping roles is also helpful, as it allows them to feel the positive impact of receiving a specific compliment. 

Child: ‘That was good.’ 

Parent: ‘Can you try again, but with one specific detail?’ 

Child: ‘I liked how you read the story with all those funny voices.’ 

Parent: ‘Thank you. That feels like a real compliment because it shows you were paying attention.’ 

Reinforce Their Successful Attempts 

When you notice your child using specific language on their own, praise them for it: ‘That was a very thoughtful compliment. You noticed your friend’s effort, not just the result.’ Highlighting their success makes them more likely to repeat the positive behaviour. 

Emphasise Sincerity Over Obligation 

Teach your child that it is perfectly fine to remain silent if they cannot think of something sincere to say. A compliment should never feel forced or fake. The goal is to encourage mindfulness and genuine appreciation, not to perform politeness. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, good words are considered to be more than just a matter of politeness; they are acts of worship that can uplift and heal hearts. Training a child to give specific, sincere compliments is teaching them to use their tongue as a source of charity and encouragement for others. 

The Lasting Impact of Good Words 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ibraheem (14), Verse 24: 

‘Have you not observed how Allah (Almighty) presents the example of the ‘words of purity’; they are like the untainted tree, that is rooted firmly, and its branches (tower towards) the sky.’ 

This powerful analogy shows that good words have deep roots and far-reaching positive effects. Teaching children to give specific and thoughtful compliments mirrors this principle: words that are genuine and detailed take root in a person’s heart and can bear lasting fruit. 

Kind Words as an Act of Charity 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1956, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Your smile in the face of your brother is charity.’ 

This hadith reminds us that even the smallest gestures of kindness are regarded as charity (sadaqah). If a simple smile is considered charity, then a thoughtful and sincere compliment certainly carries significant weight. By guiding your child to say, ‘I liked how you shared your crayons with me today,’ you are helping them practise an important form of sadaqah with their words.