How do I help a child set boundaries when ‘tradition’ is used to excuse unkind talk? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is common for children to hear adults excuse sharp comments by saying, ‘That is just how our elders speak,’ or, ‘It is our tradition to tease.’ When a child learns that ‘tradition’ is more important than kindness, they may either adopt the harshness themselves or internalise the hurt in silence. Your goal is to teach them that respect for elders can coexist with clear boundaries that protect their dignity. We can honour our roots while simultaneously refusing to accept hurtful words. 

Distinguish Between Tradition and Values 

Provide your child with a simple framework: ‘Tradition is what some people are used to doing. Our family values are what we are committed to doing. Our family’s most important value is to speak with dignity.’ Clarify that elders deserve courtesy, and this includes gently communicating when their words are harmful. This distinction helps a child understand that setting a boundary is an act of respect, not rebellion. 

Prepare Your Child Before a Visit 

Before a gathering, normalise the plan with a brief chat: ‘If someone uses harsh words and calls it tradition, we will keep our voices soft and our words clear. You can look at me if you need help. We will choose respect and kindness together.’ Keep the tone light so your child feels supported, not anxious. 

Provide Simple, Respectful Scripts 

Coach your child on a few short lines they can use in the moment. 

• ‘Please use kind words with me. I can listen much better that way.’ 

• ‘I respect you, and I also need you to use respectful words with me.’ 

• ‘In our family, we do not use labels. Could we talk about the behaviour instead?’ 

Practising these phrases at home can help the rhythm feel more natural. 

Teach a “Name and Ask” Technique 

Teach a simple, two-step approach for confusing moments: first name the pattern, then ask for kindness. This keeps communication open without accepting harmful behaviour. For instance: ‘I know this might be a tradition, but it feels unkind. Can we choose softer words?’ 

Elder: ‘In our day, we called children like you lazy and they learned from it.’ 

Child: ‘I hear that. I learn best with kind words. Could you tell me what you want me to do, without using a label?’ 

Elder: ‘You should tidy your shoes.’ 

Child: ‘Thank you. I will do that now.’ 

Create an Exit Plan and a Signal 

Agree on a discreet cue, like touching your sleeve, that means ‘Please step in.’ Also, have an exit sentence ready if needed: ‘We are just going to get some fresh air and will be back shortly.’ Knowing there is a safe way out can prevent a child from feeling panicked. 

Model Firm and Gentle Boundaries 

If an adult insists that their harshness is just ‘tradition’, model a brief and repeatable line: ‘I deeply value our traditions. In our home, we also have a rule to maintain dignity in our speech. Please speak to the children kindly.’ If they dismiss it, repeat your boundary once more before changing the subject. It is consistency, rather than argument, that gradually changes the atmosphere. 

Focus on Aftercare and Reinforcement 

Later, help your child regulate their emotions before you reflect on what happened. You could say, ‘Someone used a label today. We set a boundary, and you remained respectful. That is how we protect hearts and honour our elders properly.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that inherited customs should never take precedence over divine guidance, especially when it comes to mercy and compassion. If a cultural habit normalises hurtful speech, it must be filtered through the higher principles of our faith. 

Prioritising Divine Guidance Over Habit 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 170: 

‘And when it is said to them: “Follow that which has been revealed by Allah (Almighty);” they say: “Rather we shall follow (the practices) we found our forefathers upon;” even though their forefathers had no (rational or logical) understanding of anything, and neither were they (truly) guided.’ 

This verse reminds us that we should not blindly follow inherited habits, especially if they contradict Islamic ethics. If a custom involves unkind words, our priority is to choose speech that reflects obedience to Allah Almighty. Teaching a child to say, ‘I respect you, and I need kind words,’ is a faithful act of choosing divine guidance over unexamined tradition. 

The Virtue of Defending Another’s Honour 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1931, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever defends the honour of his brother, Allah will protect his face from the Fire on the Day of Resurrection.’ 

This hadith teaches that defending a person’s dignity is a significant deed. When your child calmly rejects a label and asks for kinder wording, they are defending honour without being disrespectful or hostile. This is a practical, child-appropriate application of this prophetic principle. By teaching your child to draw these lines, you are nurturing their taqwa (God-consciousness) and tenderness together.