How do I handle parenting clashes without making our child feel torn? 

Parenting Perspective 

When parents disagree in front of their child, the child can often feel caught in the middle, leaving them unsure of who to follow or feeling guilty for disappointing one parent. This emotional burden can make a child feel anxious, and may even cause them to become manipulative or withdrawn. The key is not to attempt to erase all disagreements, but to manage them in a way that protects your child’s fundamental sense of safety. 

Maintain a United Front 

Even if you strongly disagree with something your spouse has said or done, it is important to avoid contradicting them in the moment. It is better to support what your spouse has said, and then, later on in private, discuss any changes you would like to make. This simple practice prevents your child from being put in the position of feeling like a referee. 

Use a Unified ‘We’ Language 

Using phrases like, ‘We have decided,’ instead of, ‘Your father/mother wants,’ can be very reassuring for a child. This kind of language reinforces the idea that both of their parents are united, even if the discussions happen behind the scenes. 

Take Difficult Conversations into Private 

It is a good practice to agree on a family rule that parenting debates will happen after the child’s bedtime, or during other scheduled ‘parent meetings.’ This helps to keep your child from witnessing conflicts that they are not emotionally equipped to process. 

Reassure Them with Words and Actions 

If your child does happen to notice some tension between you and your spouse, you can reassure them by saying, ‘Mummy and Daddy sometimes see things differently, but we always work it out together because we are a team. We both love you very much.’ This can help to calm their fears of division. 

By handling your clashes with discretion, using respectful language, and solving problems in private, you can shield your child from feeling torn. Instead, they are able to learn that it is possible for parents to disagree and yet remain united in their love and commitment to one another. 

Spiritual Insight 

Unity and Mercy in Family Life 

Islam teaches us that unity, mercy, and consultation are central to a healthy family life. While disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, the way that we manage them must be one that protects the sacred trust (amanah) of raising children in a stable environment. 

The Command to Preserve Unity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 103: 

‘And hold firmly to the rope of Allah (Almighty) collectively and do not be divided…’ 

This verse reminds us that unity is an obligation, and that division has the power to weaken not only our communities, but also our families. 

Prophetic Guidance on Maintaining Harmony 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 235, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another, do not inflate prices one to another, do not hate one another, do not turn away from one another, and do not undercut one another, but be servants of Allah as brothers.’ 

This hadith teaches us that we are commanded to maintain a sense of harmony in all of our dealings, and that protecting our family bonds from division is a part of this great responsibility. By consulting privately, using gentle words, and showing a united front to your child, you are embodying the Islamic values of mercy and humility. Your child will then grow up feeling safe, and will learn that the love in their family is stronger than any conflict. This is a lesson that will shape both their emotional resilience and their spiritual confidence.