How do I handle it when my child screams ‘I hate you!’ during a tantrum?

Listening to a child shout hurtful phrases during a tantrum, like ‘I hate you’, can be very distressing. It is important to keep in mind that young children may not always express their true intentions with their words. These outbursts usually come from feeling overwhelmed emotionally, rather than from intentional harm. At this stage of development, children are still figuring out how to express their frustration and manage strong emotions. Such statements are frequently efforts to test limits or assert dominance, rather than true expressions of animosity.

The most effective approach is to stay composed and refrain from taking the words personally. Refrain from responding with the same level of anger or addressing the speech itself immediately. Instead, hold off until the child has settled down. Next, review the situation while maintaining clear and respectful boundaries. It is important to understand that feeling angry is a normal emotion. However, expressing that anger through hurtful words is not appropriate. Encourage them to use clearer phrases to communicate their feelings in the future, like ‘I feel upset’ or ‘I need space.’ By maintaining your emotional limits without pulling back your affection, you strengthen respect without increasing emotional tension.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 159: ‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained in your heart, they would have dispersed from around you; so then pardon them….’ This verse highlights the importance of being gentle, even when dealing with conflict or challenging behaviour. When a child expresses themselves with harsh words, it presents a chance to respond with both kindness and firmness, as suggested by this verse.

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6116, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘Advise me! ‘The Prophet (ﷺ) said, ‘Do not become angry.’ The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said in each case, ‘Do not become angry.’ This Hadith serves as a reminder that managing our anger, particularly in our roles as carers, offers significant spiritual benefits. Children push boundaries not out of a desire to cause harm, but to assess the safety and reliability of their surroundings. Responding with patience, instead of anger, fosters an environment of trust at home. Take these moments to demonstrate self-control and genuine prayer, believing that Allah Almighty recognises the effort in opting for kindness instead of reacting.