How do I handle a joint family where public telling off is normal?

Parenting Perspective

In many joint families, it is common for adults to speak quickly and loudly when correcting children in front of others. While the intention may be one of love, a child’s body often experiences this as humiliation. Your aim is to keep your child’s dignity intact without starting family arguments. It can be helpful to think in three steps: protect your child in the moment, redirect the correction to a private space, and reset the family pattern with calm repetition.

Set a House Rule Everyone Can Remember

State your family’s guiding principle in one simple sentence and repeat it kindly whenever it is needed: ‘In our home, we correct privately and praise publicly.’ You can even print this out and place it by the dining table. Before any family gatherings, you can remind your child of the same rule so they know you will stand by it. When a standard is spoken often, it can begin to shape the culture.

Use Quiet Signals Instead of Public Scenes

It is a good idea to agree on a discreet signal with your child, such as a gentle hand on their forearm or whispering the word ‘pause’. You can then step a half pace to the side, lower your height to their level, and say one line only: ‘We will talk about this in the kitchen.’ The full explanation can be saved for a private space. A short and soft interaction is better than a long and loud one.

Redirect Relatives with Respectful Boundaries

Prepare a calm phrase that you can reuse with other adults when needed: ‘Let us keep corrections private so the lesson lands better.’ If the relative continues, you can repeat the phrase once with the same calm tone: ‘Thank you. I will take it from here.’ It is best not to get into a debate in front of the child. Your job in public is to protect your child’s dignity and then move on.

Keep Limits Firm in Private

‘Private’ does not mean permissive. Once you are in a separate space with your child, you can deliver the pre-agreed rule and the next step. For example: ‘We must use kind words. You can apologise after dinner and then help to clear the table for three minutes.’ Predictability helps to teach responsibility without the need for an audience or a sense of shame.

Give Your Child Safe Words and Exits

Coach your child with two short lines they can use when they feel overwhelmed and you are nearby.

• ‘I am getting hot, can we pause?’
• ‘I want to listen, please can you say it softer?’

If speaking is hard, they can simply squeeze your hand for you to step in. It also helps to agree on a neutral task that allows them to step away, for example, ‘I need to refill the water jug.’

Reset with Elders When Calm, Not in the Moment

Choose a quiet time to speak with other family members and use a non-accusing script: ‘We really value your guidance. When correction happens in front of others, our child tends to shut down. If you can give me a quick cue like “enough now,” I will handle it privately so the lesson sticks.’ You can also offer something practical to honour them: ‘If you ever see me miss something, please call me aside.’

Mini-Dialogues You Can Use

• In the moment:
  • Relative: ‘Why are you so careless?’
  • Parent (in a low voice): ‘We keep corrections private so they land well. I will take it from here.’
  • To the child (aside): ‘We will talk in the kitchen.’
• During the private correction:
  • Parent: ‘Your words were sharp. Our rule is to use kind speech. You can apologise after dinner and help me clear the table for three minutes.’
  • Child: ‘Okay.’
  • Parent: ‘Thank you. You are safe with me.’

Spiritual Insight

Your steady boundaries, your consistent private teaching, and your respectful advocacy can help to build a new mini-culture inside the bigger one. Your child can learn that adults can be firm without public shaming, that you will always guard their dignity, and that any necessary repair will happen with a calm clarity.

Speak in Ways That Lower Heat

This verse is a reminder that our guidance is not only about the content of our words, but also about how softly and wisely we deliver them. You can teach your family that quiet, measured correction is what opens people’s hearts.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Luqman (31), Verses 18–19:

‘And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’

Safety from Our Tongues as a Sacred Duty

This hadith teaches that protecting others from harm includes protecting them from the harm of public humiliation. In a parenting context, that means shielding a child’s honour in front of relatives, and then guiding them firmly in private. You might say to your elders with affection, ‘We want your advice to be effective. We will keep our children safe from our tongues in public, and we will correct with clarity in private.’

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 10, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand people are safe.’

You can close each visit with a brief family dua: ‘O Allah, make our words gentle, our limits clear, and our home a place where dignity and guidance live together.’ By tying a spiritual purpose to your daily practice, you show your child that honour and firmness can share the same space. Over time, they will learn to trust your leadership even in a noisy household, because your way is steady, respectful, and for the sake of Allah.