Parenting Perspective 

The process of healing from painful childhood experiences can often feel complicated, especially when you also wish to respect and honour your parents and your family roots. Many parents carry a fear that if they acknowledge their own wounds, they are somehow being ungrateful. In truth, however, it is entirely possible to do both: to heal from your past without erasing it, and to grow into a different kind of parent while still showing respect. 

Separate Your Parents’ Actions from Their Identity 

You can tell yourself, ‘I can honour my parents for giving me the gift of life, even if I choose not to repeat some of their mistakes.’ This important distinction allows you to maintain your respect for them, without feeling that you have to carry forward any harmful patterns. 

Practise Selective Gratitude 

Try to focus on what was positive in your upbringing, whether it was certain traditions, strengths that you developed, or sacrifices that were made for you, while at the same time consciously working to heal the parts that caused you hurt. The practice of gratitude can help to soften any feelings of bitterness and create a healthier sense of balance. 

Build New, Honest Narratives 

When your child asks you about your own family, you can share the good stories openly, while framing the more difficult parts with care. For example, ‘Things were often much stricter in my time, but we are trying to find a gentler way for our own family now.’ This approach models both honesty and respect. 

Create Your Own Healing Rituals 

Small, positive acts, such as praying for your parents, cooking old family recipes, or teaching your child your family’s native language, can allow you to honour your roots while at the same time choosing healthier behaviours in your daily life. 

By embracing gratitude, reframing your family stories, and consciously choosing your own path forward, you can find a way to heal without dishonouring where you came from. This beautiful balance can teach your child a form of resilience that is rooted in respect. 

Spiritual Insight 

Honouring Parents While Striving for Mercy 

Islam calls upon us to honour our parents, while at the same time striving for justice and mercy in our own lives. You are not denying your own pain by showing respect for them; you are in fact obeying Allah while at the same time healing yourself. 

The Command to Respect Parents Despite Their Shortcomings 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 14: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents; his mother carried him (in pregnancy exposing her to) weakness upon weakness; and his dependent nourishment (from her) for two years; (thus O mankind) be grateful to Me (Allah Almighty) and to your parents, and to Me is (your ultimate) destination.’ 

This verse reminds us that showing gratitude towards our parents is a divine command, even while we may be recognising their human imperfections. 

Healing Through Forgiveness and Mercy 

It is recorded in Mishkaat Al Masaabih, Hadith 3252, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.’ 

This hadith teaches us that our true honour is found in the way that we treat our own family with mercy, regardless of the past. When you are able to choose the path of healing through forgiveness, gratitude, and a sense of balance, you can break any harmful cycles without dishonouring your roots. Your child will then learn from your example that Islam guides us to honour our family ties, while at the same time always striving to grow in mercy and goodness. This is a legacy of both healing and respect.