How do I explain the difference between forgiving and forgetting? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often confuse the act of forgiveness with forgetting. They might believe that to forgive someone means they must pretend the hurtful event never happened, or that they should instantly erase it from their memory. In reality, forgiveness is about letting go of anger, whereas forgetting is not always possible or even healthy. Helping your child to separate these two concepts will give them a clearer and healthier approach to their relationships. 

Define Forgiveness as Releasing Anger 

Explain to your child, ‘Forgiving means choosing not to stay angry anymore. It means you want to feel peace in your heart, even if you still remember what happened.’ This simple definition reassures them that forgiveness does not invalidate their pain. 

Frame Forgetting as a Natural Process 

Let them know that forgetting often happens with time, but it is not a requirement for forgiveness. You can say, ‘You do not have to erase what happened from your memory in order to forgive. You just need to choose to respond with kindness instead of anger.’ 

Use Relatable, Real-Life Examples 

Refer to a situation that they can easily relate to. For instance, ‘Do you remember when your friend accidentally broke your toy? You forgave them, but you still remembered what happened for a while afterwards. That is okay; forgiving them is what helped you to carry on being friends.’ 

Model the Distinction in Your Own Life 

When you forgive someone, try to use both words to make the distinction clear. You could say, ‘I have not forgotten what happened, but I am choosing to forgive you because our relationship is more important to me than my anger.’ This provides your child with practical language they can use themselves. 

By clearly explaining this distinction, you help your child to forgive without feeling pressured, while also acknowledging that memories may linger, and that this is a natural part of life. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that forgiveness is an act of cleansing the heart, not of erasing the memory. Remembering a hurtful event can serve as a lesson that protects us from repeating mistakes, but the act of forgiveness is what removes bitterness and keeps the heart soft and open to peace. 

Quranic Guidance on Pardoning Others 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verse 22: 

‘…And forgive (their mistakes) and overlook (their weaknesses); do you not love the fact that Allah (Almighty) may forgive you? And Allah is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful.’ 

This verse reminds us that forgiveness is about pardoning and overlooking a fault, not necessarily forgetting it. Even when Allah Almighty forgives us, He reminds us to learn from our mistakes. 

Prophetic Wisdom on Overcoming Grudges 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4911, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his brother for more than three nights. When they meet, one turns away and the other turns away. The better of the two is the one who initiates the greeting of peace.’ 

This hadith teaches that forgiveness means actively removing distance and anger from the heart, even if the memory of the incident remains. 

By linking forgiveness to the concept of mercy and forgetting to the natural passage of time, you show your child that forgiving is an act of strength they can choose to do immediately, while forgetting is a process that may take longer. They learn that both can coexist: forgiveness brings peace now, while memory provides wisdom later.