How do I encourage a teen who compares themselves harshly to friends? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a teenager constantly compares themselves to their friends, it can stem from deep-seated insecurity, social pressure, or a fear of not measuring up. Their harsh self-criticism often reflects a deeper struggle with self-esteem, and it is important to approach the issue with compassion.

 

Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings 

Rather than dismissing their feelings or immediately trying to solve the problem, begin with empathy. Acknowledge their pain by saying something like, ‘I can see that you feel upset when you compare yourself, and that must feel very heavy.’ Validating their feelings helps them to feel heard and understood, which is the first step toward building their confidence. 

Shift the Focus to Personal Growth 

Gently encourage your teens to compare themselves only with their own past efforts. Highlight small but significant steps of progress, such as their persistence with a difficult task, improved organisational skills, or demonstrating patience under stress. This approach reframes success as self-improvement rather than competition with others. Sharing real-life examples of how different people’s strengths develop at different stages can also remind them that life is a journey, not a race. 

Reinforce Unique Strengths and Contributions 

Draw attention to your teenager’s strengths that extend beyond academics or social popularity, such as their empathy, creativity, or reliability. Help them to see how these valuable qualities enrich the lives of their family and community. By celebrating their unique character, you remind them that their inherent worth is not diminished by somebody else’s achievements. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam strongly discourages envy and harsh comparison, reminding believers that every blessing is distributed with divine wisdom. Instead of looking at what others have, one should focus on gratitude for their own blessings and develop inner contentment. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 71: 

‘ And Allah (Almighty) has preferred some a few over others in the provisions (of this world); but those people who have been preferred (in this way), do not share their provisions, even with those people that they are legally bound to (provide for), in case (it was deemed) that they had become equal to them; then is it the benefactions of Allah (Almighty) that they discard?‘ 

This verse teaches that differences in talents, resources, and life outcomes are part of Allah Almighty’s perfect and wise design. Each person has been granted their own unique portion of honour and provision. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 466, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: 

‘Do not look to those above you, lest you belittle the favours Allah has bestowed upon you.’ 

This hadith offers a direct and practical solution to the pain of comparison. It guides us to cultivate gratitude by focusing on our own blessings rather than measuring our lives against others. 

By guiding your teenager to see their own blessings, nurture gratitude, and measure growth by effort and sincerity, you help them to build resilience against such destructive comparisons. This approach strengthens both their confidence and their faith, allowing them to see themselves through the lens of Allah Almighty’s wisdom rather than in the shadow of others’ achievements.