How do I correct my child firmly without making them feel unloved or unwanted? 

Parenting Perspective 

Firm correction is essential for a child’s development, but it must be delivered with warmth and emotional safety. The goal is to address the behaviour without making the child feel that they, as a person, are being rejected. 

Separate the Behaviour from Their Identity 

It is crucial to make a clear distinction between the child and their action. Instead of saying, ‘You are being naughty,’ which attacks their identity, focus on the behaviour: ‘That choice was not a good one,’ or ‘Hitting is not allowed in our family’. This keeps their dignity and self-worth intact. 

Maintain a Calm and Composed Tone 

Your tone of voice often communicates more than your words. A calm, firm tone tells a child that you are in control and that the boundary is serious but not emotional. Shouting or showing intense anger can make a child feel that your love is conditional, leading to feelings of shame and fear. 

Lead with an Affirmation of Love 

Before you deliver the correction, connect with them first. You can say, ‘I love you very much, and because I love you, we need to talk about what just happened’. This frames the discipline as an act of love and guidance, not rejection. 

Re-establish Connection After the Discipline 

Once the consequence has been delivered and accepted, do not leave the child in a state of emotional disconnection. A simple hug, a shared moment of silence, or a quiet word of encouragement like, ‘That was a difficult moment, but I am proud of you for listening,’ reassures them that your love is constant, even when you are displeased with their actions. 

Engage Them in Reflection 

When the emotions have settled, involve your child in the learning process. Ask gentle questions such as, ‘What do you think went wrong there?’ or ‘What could we do differently next time?’ This fosters ownership and self-awareness, turning a moment of discipline into a lesson in personal growth. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, discipline is a form of Tarbiyah—a means of nurturing and cultivating good character, not just enforcing rules. It should always be rooted in mercy and a desire to bring a child closer to what is pleasing to Allah. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hadeed (57), Verse 27: 

‘…And placed in the hearts of those who were his followers compassion and mercy…‘ 

This verse reminds us that true guidance, following the example of the Prophets, comes from a place of compassion and mercy. A parent’s correction is most effective when it flows from a heart filled with these qualities, not from a place of anger or severity. 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that our own hope for mercy is tied to how we treat others. 

It is recorded in Jami at-Tirmidhi, 1924, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who is not merciful to people, Allah will not be merciful to him.‘ 

This is a profound reminder for a parent in a moment of discipline. By choosing a merciful and connecting approach, we are not just protecting our child’s emotional wellbeing; we are also acting in a way that makes us worthy of receiving the mercy of Allah ourselves.